and my day whizzes by...

Today I rise late. I chose to sleep in after having a week of lethargy. I know, sleeping in is no cure for lethargy, but I needed it. So, sleep I did.

I rise just in time to have a comfortable breakfast, and to leave for work. I was suppose to pull 7 hours at work today, but I manage to cut it down to 2. When I arrived, I saw who was on duty with me - Sab. The first thought 'this is going to be a LONG day'. All the more I'm happy I kept it to just 2 hours. Turns out, going back to work after so many days off is pretty refreshing from my usual routine of classes and study at home. I enjoyed work, and was actually tempted to stay on and work extra hours. But, I have other commitments. I am owing one session of cardio this week, and I've chosen to pay my workout debts with RPM.

At 2.45pm, Elaine and I (and a bunch of others) were riding to the pop tunes booming above us, with disco lights blinking away, all under Colin's guidance. Class was quite ok, I still prefer Michelle's class, but Colin gave me a good sweat out too.

From gym, we two darlings headed to Bangsar for makan. Elaine says "marmalade" in BV 2 has great salads. I had a salad called asian alliance (which has char siew), and my lady companion had an avocado something. I love my salad. It was nice, but a tad bit oily for me. The company was great and to my delight, the same lady companion insisted on paying the bill. Can't not love such a woman huh? Hahaa... Anyways, Elaine was quite a darling as she insisted I buy something back for dinner (as I would be home alone), and even when we left, she waited by the roadside till she saw my car. How nice. Well, I would have done the same too.

Hanging out with Elaine makes me feel like making time to hang with Adele and Shere too. These two darlings I haven't seen in a long time, especially Shere. I guess it's time I have coffee with Jay too. He's nice. =)

I can't wait for December where I'd get to meet T! Yohooo!! Well, though it sounds like it's just a one week wait, it's going to feel like a 6 months wait with all the exam preps and a short sem right after exam. Ish! Kill joy.

Having said all that, here whizzes by another day where no studying is done. Bad-bad girl. I have to get to my book soon.

"ling-long"

"ling-long" is my colloquial term for bells, specifically little bells attached to accessories. "ling" is the pronunciation for the term bell in mandarin.

Well, my trip to Singapore have left me 'brandishing' a gold and jade bracelet from AL. It's a fine gold chain with pieces of jade hanging off it like little charms. At the clasp is lock and key, and a gold "ling-long". I have always loved charms, amulets and just about anything else that have symbolic meanings behind it, particularly when the symbolism are beliefs from centuries before. How intriguing. =)

Well, as I turned around in bed at night, I can hear the "ling-long" jingling away. I think it's really cute. I guess I like "ling-long" part of this bracelet lots. It's nice to hear the jingle for no reason. Nice. =)

weekend @ Singapore

Last Friday I boarded Aeroline to Singapore. My plan: to chill off over the weekend to recharge myself for another stressful round of studies (exams are in mid-November).

When I arrive on Friday afternoon, Su Mei (T's cousin) was 'commissioned' to meet me at the Aeroline office in Harbourfront. Aunt L (AL from here on), had dropped her off to meet me and to accompany me with any shopping I might want to do in that area, while AL went back to work. I was surprised at the detail in which AL had gone to prepare for my arrival. Not only had she had SM to meet me, she left with SM house keys, and ezilink card (for MRT fares) for travel. She even wanted to pass on some currency for my shopping. House keys were in case I want to go home, or I have the option of going to her office and meet her there. SM was very hospitable. She's generally a soft spoken lady, who seems to leave people with this 'feel good' vibe.

There wasn't much to my liking in Vivo City and SM and I took the MRT to meet AL at her office. AL picked us from the MRT station, and at the office, I was given some supplements and a Melaleuca Oil for my 5 cents (insect bites and itches) on my hands and feet. By the end of the weekend I was sold out for this product. Melaleuca works. Anyways, back to Friday. At night AL and SM headed off to church for prayer meeting. I chose to stay behind with AL's new Mac desktop. Very beautiful machine. When they returned, we all headed to SM house for dinner cum supper. SM mum cooked curry (which was nice),but as I've snacked at home, I just pick on a little of it. Their dog Timy was beyond ecstatic to see me. He was all restless and jumping around me. SM and her mum said they haven't seen Timy so excited about a visitor before. I guess I have a knack for pooches. Hahaa... because it seems Elaine's poodle- Snowy seems to take to me very well too. At the end of the night, Uncle Andrew (SM's dad) came home all tan from a day of golfing. He's a cool chap too. That night, AL and I had a long chat (mostly about T's dad) and we clocked off at close to 2am. *YAWN*

Saturday was the highlight of my trip. It was just AL and I, and I decided to take to Orchard. We had soba for lunch in Paragon. The food was great and AL was a great company. After that, we roamed the area. From Paragon to Wheelock Place and such. At Isetan, AL got me a Deuter back pack (which she chose and I think its really nice), and AL strolled into Polo Ralph Lauren like a second home, and convinced me to try on about 6 Polo's. As there was no sale, I told her not to buy them, and perhaps to wait for the Dec sales. Well, we ended up leaving with 2 Polo's, both for me. I couldn't thank her more. I'm glad trips like this are not too often, if not I'd be spoilt. After that, we went to Nike to get my workout gloves, and lastly back to Isetan to grab sushi for dinner. Yup, sushi again. But it was really nice. And having it leisurely at home was so comfortable.

When we got home, I took to the shower and tries some of the Melaleuca products AL have recommended to me. They were great. I can't say it enough, this stuff really works wonders. AL made birds nest and they were as usual, really nice. I could really get use to this. =P Hahaaa.... Anyways, while I showered, AL played on....(guess what?)...Neopets. Can you believe it? I was shocked. I thought Neopets was a kiddish thing, even I grew out of it. Seems like she got to playing it from Wei Meng's influence, and all she plays is the 'one arm bandit' equivalent. Seems like you can take the lady out of the casino, but you can't take the casino out of the lady. Thumbs up to you woman.

Much later that evening, Helen came by with Wei Kang (who has fatigue written all over), to pass me and AL some Melaleuca supplements, she consulted me on some of the products and I have to admit....I'm sold. I love the stuff. It's luxury that works. Finally my skin is clearing and my 5 cents are dulling off. I think it's the Melaleuca oil plus Cellwise. Now, I'm also on Fortify. Good stuff.

On Sunday, I stayed home while AL went for church. She came home with Aunt Jenny (s church friend) and excited came and tell me that the pastor prophesied about healing over my heart condition, as she had been praying. Without thinking, I laughed. I know, it's terrible, I shouldn't have. Blame it on the sushi. My brain turned all raw, and I didn't think faster than I act. But I really laughed. Thank goodness I laughed only for about 2 seconds (not much of a consolation, but still..), then I held myself back. Thank God, AL went on about it like she didn't notice the laughing. But that night, she text me and ask me to have faith and believe. I guess she's right.

Anyways, for lunch on Sunday, Helen and family, Aunt Jenny, SM, AL, and myself went to bugis area for dim sum in Crystal Jade. At the end of the meal, no one seem to acknowledge AL taking the bill. I couldn't understand how they can all just assume that AL would pay. SM I understand, because she just started working, and is AL's niece. But the rest, they're pretty stable adults. Can't they offer at least? They were all so indifferent about it. I couldn't bare to sit at the table and watch them pretend. I left the table to join AL at the cashier counter and to thank her for the meal. Maybe I got it all wrong, and I certainly hope so, because that sort of behaviour tells a lot about the company she has around her. Though AL is proabably the most well off person on the table, it doesn't justify that she should pay. Oh well....

Leaving Singapore was quite ok. I was prepared that this was going to be a short trip. In a way, I dread going back to face my final exams, but on the other hand, I can't wait to get it over with. I guess now that I'm back I'm glad to be home, yet, I wished it was still holiday and not exams, exams, exams. Oh well, life goes on...the clock is still ticking...

During this weekend, I'm glad I got more than I bargained for. Not only did I get to recharge, I got the chance to get to know the people who grew up with T, especially his mum. Things worked out between us better than I expected. To begin, I wasn't hoping for anything between me and his mum. So, when we actually had fun together, I was pleasantly surprised.

tired+Stef=tetchy Stef

I am less than a day away from my last assignment. It's due in approximately 15 hours from now, minus about 5 hours of sleep and another one hour for meals, one hour for travelling, leaves me with 8 hours. assuming that 80% of this time is used productively in completing the assignment, I'd have less than 6 and a half hours. That's not very long considering that there's quite a lot to do. Typing the work is so time consuming. They should've just allowed us to have the option of handing in handwritten assignments. =) Oh well, I guess that's wishful thinking.

After these 2 weeks of hectic assignment days, I'm tired and flat out. It's good that I have my weekend planned out as a break. Unfortunately, as HELP would have it, they have scheduled last minute replacement classes over the weekend. I guess I'll just skip them. HELP is as they have it HELP(less).

I'd really like to stay up and type out the whole assignment, but I don't think I am capable of it now. 3 consecutive days of less than 5 hours of sleep and I'm next to a 'knocked out'. Can't remember the last time I was this tired. Oh, now I remember, my last round of final exams last semester left me in the most fatigue state I've ever been. Well, back then, the stress kept me form sleeping. I was zombie-ing through the exam. Not a good thing, but thank God I cleared all the subjects. I'd really like to clear my accounting subjects from this semester, mainly because I don't want to prolong my studies, and I'd hate to be in Shenba's class again. Dealing with her last minute cancellations and replacement classes, and her occasional MIA, it's a dread to put up with her kind of schedule. So inconsiderate, especially for a woman who tries to portray herself as such a humanitarian. Shame.

Oh well, it's my fatigue speaking now. I better pen off before I get too tetchy. =)

driving in KL is like... #@%&!*

If I'm going to ask how many of you have driven in KL before, my bulk of readers (which are few) would say 'ME'. So I suppose you fellas would know what it is like driving in KL. My Australian friends would go 'Argh!', my Singaporean boyfriend would just shrug 'its ok', and all you Malaysians would have a whole spectrum of reactions. Over my minimal years of driving, I've got comments from fellow Malaysians, some complaining about the driving courteousy, most complain about the jam (especially when the road converts without prior notice into a 'carpark' aka standstill traffic); some say its great because you can speed and double park and seldom get caught, and even if you were caught, 'so what' with the intergrity of the Malaysian traffic police 99.9% you have the option of a bribe, sometimes even as cheap as RM 15. What a bargain huh?

Malaysians love bargains. Although there are stipulated months of the year that are allocated as the 'great sale', we have sale signs in every shop 365 days a year. So even on our streets, the penalties are always on sale, and if Malaysians didn't love the 'bargain', they wouldn't have been providing the demand that has ben sustaining the supply of these 'bargains'. Aside from our traffic, sometimes our city council would harass the road side hawkers for 'pocket-money' also. Wah, really like the 'tai-lou' (translates as big boss) in the old days where the Chinese gangsters collect 'protection money'. But, don't get confused, these modern days tai-lou got badge and uniform wan! Don't play-play!

I'm not going to comment on my response to the bribes. It's like asking your right hand to break your left hand. But one thing that would definately make summons go down better with me is if it was convenient to pay for them. In Adelaide, I can pay it off at the post office, here in KL, I have to travel to the transport department which I don't know where it is, but I heard parking there is like a trip to hell and the queue in line is impossible. Now it's bad enough that when you're presented with the option of a bribe or take a summon, you have to swallow the lump in your throat and muster some courage and decide for the summon. But I can't help thinking of all that the trouble paying this sumon is going to give me. It feels like the trouble costs me twice as much as the summon does. And it leaves many to wonder if it's really wise to take the summon. Is it? My Malaysian inclination tells me bargains are a winner, and besides in a country with such high rates of corruption, its no wonder I, like my fellow Malaysians have a conscience numbed to corruption. But, maybe my religious beliefs will help me take a stand. Maybe.

When a car ahead of you signals to enter into your lane, how many of you would have the courtesy to let him get ahead of you, and how many of you would step on the accelarator and stick to the car in front of you and just wish the passing car good luck? Myself, I tend to let the person through. On rare occasions, I'm left to regret my graciousness. These are the incidents which leads to regret; first, when the car ahead has its break lights all blown off, so you don't really know when he breaks; second, when the car ahead is incessantly stepping on his breaks (like he's trying to tap to a tune); third, the ones that drive so slow you realize that by letting this one car through, he's letting 6 other cars through every 5 minutes (so irritating). But here's the winner for me, when i slow down to let someone else through, if he hogs onto both lanes it drives me nuts. Why the hell do people hog! It's like the driver is trying to see which lane is faster his or mine before swapping. How stupidly selfish! Oh well, I just live with it.

I suppose driving in KL is not so bad as long as you're not stuck in a jam or held up by a law "ENFORCEMENT" personnel. The thing about traffic jams in KL is that it causes many drivers to become super Kiasu (cannot lose attitude). They would not let you cut into their lane although you've signalled for really long and all you're trying to do is to reach the next exit, and when you do cut into their lanes (because you're an experienced and reasonabily skilled KL driver), the person behind would honk real loud at you, like they can't live up to themselves that you've just cut their lane against their will. Once I was stuck in a long-long 'parking lot'. I was coming from PJ trying to get to KL. And the highway has turned into one of those infamous parking lots where traffic is second to a standstill. When I finally got to the exit I want to turn off at, I was only one lane away, so I had to cut across. I remembered the driver I cut was a man driving a blue Suzuki Swift. He was so aggravated that my CLK (cute little kelisa) cut his Swift that he honked long and loud. I couldn't help it but raise a foul sign with my finger at him. Later I am left ashamed of my behaviour. But traffic can be so trying in KL at times.

I can't trust myself to put any sticker on my car that would show that I'm a Christian because I don't know if I can be trusted to be a good testimony on the road...in KL. Maybe one day. Maybe I can proudly show that my CLK is driven by a Christian. Maybe.

20th October 2007

20th October 2007

I miss lounging around in Singapore with T sharing a tub of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. I miss being woken up in the wee hours of the morning by Aunt L asking me to have some of the bird nest soup she made. Aunt L believes that you get the most nutrition out of the bird’s nest when you consume it right after it’s ready. Sounds kinda silly to me, yet in its silliness I think it’s really sweet of her. It’s a plus that her birds nest are always done up so yummy. Hahaa…

I am so divided about where I go from my graduation. It’s not a simple career decision; it’s more a ‘settling’ decision. Adelaide? Malaysia? Singapore? I don’t feel ready to head straight to Adelaide from here. I’d like to spend some more time in KL, get some working experience and spend time with my family. I suppose ideally, I’d love to work in KL for about 2 years, then head to Singapore to work for at least a year before I head to Adelaide. Somehow, I have this feeling that when I’m in Adelaide there isn’t much new things to head about, so it’s like I have to explore it all here before I head there, because over there its just going to be quiet family life. But if it goes as I’ve just said, it wouldn’t sit well with my relationship. I mean, we’ve been in an LDR for almost 3 years now, adding another 3 years don’t sound that good. Oh well, maybe I can push this decision back till later. When I leave KL, I’m going to miss so much of everything, the food, my family, Adeline, Elaine, Shere, working out and talking crap with Narin, dining and chatting about anything with Jay, and so much more. There’s so much that I’ll be leaving behind. It’s like moving on in life to a whole different dimension. I love it in Adelaide, but not the same way I love it in KL. God, help me know where to go!

On a lighter note, I’ve taken up new interest. Some of you might remember me as a magazine junkie (especially my housemate SS). Well, I kind of went cold turkey some time early this year when I cut back on my working hours and I have less disposable income. But recently, (maybe its because of my regular workouts) I’ve learned to ‘feed’ on health magazines. From fitness magazines to health and beauty, I’m buying it. The thing is, this is a relatively new ground in the Malaysian market (as you may know Malaysians are not very health conscious, we’d rather believe in bomohs), so the amount of periodical reading materials on these subject are few, and even with the few available, only one or two have articles that are insightful enough. Insightful in the sense that it’s backed by experts and a wide ground on the issues are discussed. I remember loving ‘Good Medicine’ when I was in Adelaide. Here, it’s just too expensive for me. In KL, I reckon the best I’ve got my hands on are ‘Shape’ and ‘OH!’. These two are the better ones, others like ‘Health & Beauty’ and all that, its just shallow and light reading on the topic. Although those two are the better ones, it still doesn’t beat the ones I can get in Adelaide.

Aside from magazines, I’ve taken up an old liking I had for instrumental music. When I was in high school, I like nice slow instrumentals that are nothing short of soothing. After school, I kinda graduated into a fusion. I had a liking for a random choice of music, but my preference has always leaned on ballads. Now, it’s ballads and my old love: the instrumentals. People like Jim Brickman, Dave Koz, and such… oh man…their music hums to the tune of my heart.

Speaking of instrumentals, this place where I go for my facial plays the weirdest music I’ve ever heard, and I have to say, it felt like I was forced to listen to it. Terrible. Hong (my beautician) tells me that they usually play music for relaxation and yoga and such. Well, during my first facial chants were ‘leaking’ from the speakers, it was horrible. My facial spans for about 2 hours. Imagine the horror. The CD must have only had that one chant because it sounded the same over and over. It sounded like the mourning of the dead. I left the place with a note in my head to bring my own music the next time. Well, when the next time came about, I purposely bought music CD s for the facial but left it in the car. So when I stepped into the treatment room, to my utmost horror, that same chant was still ‘leaking’. As I lay back on the treatment bed I asked Hong if she’d be so kind as to change the music. She made a joke about it and went off to change it. Guess what’s next? Birds were chirping from the speakers! I can’t believe it!!! How can this place have such bad choice of music? I’ve been to so many other facial centers and this place has the worst music ever and my session is for 2 freaking hours. Imagine 2 hours of bird chirping!!! I wanted to punch the speaker in. It felt so stupid to lie back for 2 hours listening to birds chirp. What’s next? Listening to insects in the jungle? This is so stupid. I’m definitely bringing my CD the next time. If I forget to bring my own music next time, I’m canceling the appointment. I’m not going to subject myself to another minute of those psychotic sounds. It’s just so dumb!

The other day I was watching ‘Collateral’ on my lappie. Dad bought it from Speedy. The first time I watched this show it was with T in a cinema in Adelaide. This time, something that Tom Cruise said on the show struck me. Tom played the role of a hire assassin, and Jamie Fox was the cab driver who incidentally became a partner in crime when he was forced to drive Tom around to kill his targets. When Jamie freaked out about the first kill Tom made, Tom said something along the lines of, why is he freaking out about somebody who just died when he doesn’t even know that dead person, and that there are thousands of people dying across the world of poverty or famine and we don’t bat an eyelid, yet with this one death it’s such a big deal. I find that so true. How do we justify us not batting an eyelid to all the other deaths around the world? Many which most of us don’t even try to see if we could do anything to help. Recently, the kidnap and murder of a young girl Nurin has cause a great stir among Malaysians. They can’t behold the horror of the circumstances of her death. But like the logic in Collateral, how is it that we can fuss so much about this and not even question about others that happen around us? I guess there’s no absolute answer to questions like that. It’s just how the world goes around, but do I want to be one of those who just doesn’t care about the rest of the world and live my happily ever after? Angelina Jolie once said in one of her interviews that if she could leave this earth knowing that she has impacted someone’s life and brought happiness to someone else or helped someone out to a better living condition, wouldn’t it be better than just living her life for herself and leaving it like she was never here in the first place. That is so true. Do I just want to live out my own happily ever after? Or do I want to go out of my way and leave my mark on people’s life?

I’ve actually thought about things like this in my mid teens, and I felt a calling to reach out to people. But I guess as the years past, I got more caught up with all the fancy things that were ‘flashing’ before me. So much was evolving, I was too fascinated about my own life that I gave little thought about anything or anyone else other than those I love. I never thought about people I’ve never known, heard about or seen. I didn’t care much about anyone else who’s not friend or family. Is that selfish? Or perhaps in this day and age, they would just say it’s just normal? And if they do, does it mean that being ignorant about others and being somewhat selfish is normal? And if it’s really normal, it means it’s ok right? I mean normal usually means ok by society standards. Has humanity sunk this low? Somehow, I think humanity has sunk lower, its just denial that helps us hold our heads up with dignity. Maybe it’s all a ‘make pretend’. That would be depressing. Oh gosh, I’m thinking into this too much. Adeline would’ve knocked me into a concussion if I said this to her face. Hahaa… got to love that woman!

Ok, got to go get some shuteye, before I shut down. =) Life’s good! (Ha! That’s the LG slogan)

20th October 2007

20th October 2007

As some of you who watch the news or heard somewhere around that Malaysia has sent its first man to space. The media seems to portray such a ‘hooray’ about this. Apparently billions of taxpayers money went into sending this one man a Dr Sheikh somebody to space. Well, I would think that if any country in the Asia Pacific region had done this first it would have been Singapore. But what do you know, Malaysia in its ‘baby walker’ have to fulfill their desire to proof to the world that they’re something. Who knows, maybe one day our government will wake up in the morning and decide ‘hey, maybe we should have a research center in Antarctica. Yup, sure sounds like something the government of today would do. What has this nation got to be proud of about a man going to space, when it can’t even deal with its everyday issues? Crime rates are rising, racism is fiercer than ever in the past few years, the education system can’t seem to make up its mind, corruption is more an accepted practice than ever, what more in a democratic country like this there is no freedom of speech. The only thing Malaysia can be proud of the amazing tolerance its citizens have, its variety in fabulous but unhealthy food, cheap clothing and daily essentials, and maybe one more thing, you don’t get arrested for begging on the streets. Yahoo...this is my Malaysia.

What really drove me to bitch about this Angkasawan thing is the way it is totally blown out of proportion. These two Malaysians are suddenly hailed as heroes and celebrities in this country. A knucklehead even named his bike ‘Angkasawan’. Astro is giving out t-shirts and guitars autographed by the two men as prizes. Why are taxpayers without a choice forking out so much money to make these two people celebrities? Will them being in space make our country and its citizens any better? Or is it just another thing to add to the list of what Malaysians can boast about before others question us about our deplorable standards? I love being a Malaysian but I’m definitely not proud of our government.

Yesterday I’ve handed up one of my assignment. I’m now working on the next one that’s due on Monday. As I knock each assignment off my list, I get a gush of excitement that my weekend in Singapore is drawing near. I can’t wait for a holiday. I need one, so bad. The only thing to make it better - if T was around during the holiday. That would have been nice.

Earlier in the day I wasted sometime away looking at pictures of flower bouquets on my lappie. I love flowers. I think after handing up my assignment on Monday I’ll head out to get myself 3 stalks of flowers. Hmmm…today I feel like carnations, I hope they have nice affordable one in Damansara Heights. =) Oh well, maybe I’ll change my mind by Monday. Hahaa…

Okies, I got to go back to my papers. Such a bore! Oh well, lets just put it this way, it’s not going to last forever. By mid next year this would all be history. So maybe I should just enjoy this one thing that helps me think that I’m still young. =)

14th October 2007

14th October 2007

I got two chocolate muffins from RT Pastry House (one of my favorite bakeries). One I gave to Hanim as a Raya ‘gift’, the other, I was just having moments ago. It’s a nice light muffin, yet I couldn’t even finish half of it. I shall continue with it tomorrow. Hahaa…

Having consciously made the decision to break things off with T yesterday, I found it more difficult that I imagined. As I tucked into bed yesterday night, I looked around my room and realized that the years I had with T had left so much of mementos around my room. From the cute china-made cuddlies, to the photos and books near my bed, my room showed what I placed closest to my heart as those I place closest to my bed. It is difficult to ‘uproot’ it all. I’m at a loss at where to begin; yet I knew I could do it. Sometimes I make decisions that are at that time beyond my ability to execute. It makes me wonder how I can muster up courage to make decisions like that.

Today morning, T called. After a long conversation, we decided to give things another shot. I don’t know if this time things will work out, but I guess I should give it one more try at least. I know it’s worth it even if I’m wrong about things. I hope things will get better. Here I go hoping again.

Today my hours at work were nice and short. It’s always a pleasure to work with Hanim provided that the boring hours don’t stretch too long. Like me, Hanim doesn’t like the restlessness of waiting for time to pass with nothing to do.

Many of my colleagues at work I approach them as friends at times. Some are closer to me than others. Inevitable as it is, some of these whom I uphold as friends are not in agreement with others. It’s like being sandwiched. On one hand a friend tells me of a feud or bad incident with the other, and the other tells bad-mouths about the other person to me. I just take it all in as something I listen to. I don’t pass on what one has said to the other regardless of who I think is in the right. In fact, often I try not to even decide who is right. Just listen. Good enough for me, good enough for them. Sometimes I wish that we could all just get along, but I don’t wish that often enough. I guess I just take it as it is. After all, some of these friends of mine have never look at the other as a friend. Odd that I have friends like that, but there’re all really nice people anyways. I guess the differences in people are just bound to bring about these events.

Tomorrow I’m scheduled to work with Sab. I dread it. The only reason I put up with her is out of respect for Azny. If tomorrow goes bad, I won’t stay long. I don’t need to put up with her crap. Someone needs to put her into her place. It wouldn’t be me, but I’m not going to hand her pity-points for whatever drama she can carry off. Hardly a working day goes by when she doesn’t complain about a sickness or pain in some part of her body, using it as excuses to take numerous breaks. Not to mention the hours of sleep she use to take during working hours. She’d leave her colleague manning the desk alone while she takes hours of sleep in the pantry, what a queen. Come to think of it, the only colleague I bitch about is Sab and previously, Arun. Both pretty hopeless. They’re so bitch-worthy.

14th October 2007

14th October 2007

Yesterday I read Siew Seen’s email about the tiff she had with Chen. It was in certain ways similar to what T and I are going through now. Main difference: Chan and SS are married, I’m not. But although the matter was serious, SS put a light tone to it and it all sounded a bit funny and heart-warming in the end. I’m happy my favorite couple are doing good and being cute again. This got me thinking that maybe my relationship with T is worth me risking the ‘hurt’ again, and perhaps I should try to rekindle our relationship. By the end of the day I was looking forward to patching things up with T. After work that day, I miss called T twice on his mobile. FYI, our arrangement for overseas call is that he returns my miss calls; we’ve been doing this for years now. Anyways, I miss called him just before 10pm, which would be about 11.30pm in Australia. But since he said he’d be having dinner with Hans, plus it’s a Friday night, I knew he’d still be awake.

He never called back. Not within the hour, not in the next few hours. All I got was an sms at close to 12midnight (KL time) from him saying “Sorry, I’m going to sleep now, talk to you tomorrow night k? Night night.” No explanation for not returning my calls, no mention of not calling me. Zilch. In the days when all was good, the reply would’ve sounded like this “Sorry dearie for missing your calls, if you’re still awake miss call me nor.” But what I got was far from it. But as I was still in the ‘trying to rekindle the relationship’ mindset, I decided to so-call let it pass, and I replied ‘night’, hoping that he would know that I’m still awake, and if I hope hard enough, he might just call me. But no calls for Stef. The night ended there.

The next morning, I still had my hopes up. “Maybe, maybe he’ll sms me later when he wakes up and it would all be ok” I tell myself. Wrong again Stef. Right up to noon (KL time), I got no calls, no sms, and it was time for me to work. As I prep for my work, donning my uniform and my makeup, my mind was flooded with thoughts. Am I really up for this? Do I really want to put myself through this? He hasn’t called all these while, why should I think it’d be different later? And in the midst of all the thinking, I toughen up inside and chuck thoughts of T out of my head, telling myself I can’t deal with all this right now. I swipe on my favorite L’Oreal lipstick, grabbed my bag and headed for the reception counter (my station of work).

Chucking thoughts of T out of my head was easier said than done. I constantly checked my phone, hoping, hoping and hoping that he’d call. Later at about 3pm, I noticed I got a miss call from a ‘no caller id’ at about 1.30pm. I suspect it might be him, but I was at work. I can’t make private phone calls what more overseas call from the reception. I didn’t know what to think. When T called, was he just going to pretend that nothing happened yesterday and it was normal of him not to call me? What was he going to tell me? Would he say that we should work our problems out? The part I feared most was that he’s just going to pretend that everything’s ok, and I hate playing pretend. The thoughts just lingered for a few minutes; it was just too tiring to think about all that. Focusing at my work, I mentally take a break from these craze.

After work, I make a dash for my dad’s car that has been waiting for a couple of minutes up front while I gathered my laptop and punch my employee card. My relationship with dad has been getting better these days. Dad is more willing to talk to me about stuffs instead of holding up like the big tough guy. I love it.

Once home, I’m exhausted and hungry. There’s overnight sushi in the fridge. Well, it made well for a very late lunch at 5.45pm. Dad called Josh and me for dinner at about 7pm. I’m still full from sushi. Ironically, dad brought us to a Japanese restaurant on Josh’s suggestion. Ha! I just had it at home!

Hoping that T would call, I waited through the night. None. By 11pm, I’m thinking if I should at least sms him. In the past, when we go through a period of silence, T usually gets very worked up about it and run a thousand questions about our relationship pass me in search of what’s wrong. As I think about how it has been in the past, I thought to myself that I don’t want him to go through all that. For him to get all upset and affect his work and such. Maybe I should initiate contact. At the same time, I’m wondering, if I worry for him, doesn’t he worry for me and want to initiate contact so I won’t go through an emotional roller coaster? In the end I caved in and smsed him a simple ‘goodnight’. I never guess that the response would be ‘goodnight’. Yes, that was all he replied. It was just like I sent and sms to myself and got it a few seconds later.

It broke my heart.

All this hope was just in my head. I lie back on the bed where I sat reading his sms. Die Hard 4 was playing on my Mac, but I can’t be bothered. I laid back and cried. This is what is left of my first relationship. This is what is left of 4 years of loving a man. I love him very much, but my heart was broken. Broken. No other way.

I told myself that I don’t need to go through this every now and again. I don’t need this. Though I love him very much, I’ve decided that this is not going to work. SS once told me that there is no ‘the one’ who’s out there for us, its up to us to make a person our ‘the one’, it’s how much we want our relationship to work. I believe her, and I still do believe in what she said, that’s why in this relationship, I’ve consciously made the decision right now that it’s not going to work. It’s going to hurt like hell, but it’s better than dragging it on for years.

I’ve stopped using the things that remind me of him as much as I can. I’ve swapped the Tag he gave me for my own watches, I’m going to swap my LG for my Sony Ericsson, but I won’t be able to swap my Mac just yet as I don’t have another PC. Maybe next time. Maybe later. But now, I’m swapping off all my Kiplings. It’s time to make some changes.

I’m confident that I can do this. I am certain I can. Now I hope that he won’t call me again. Not till the end of this semester. I’ll devote all my attention to my work and studies. By the end of the year, there’ll be another single girl in the city with no emotional baggage. This single girl will be slimmer too, thanks to the time Narinder has set aside to train me. Gyming is hard work, which reminds me I need to get gym gloves because calluses are forming on my palms. Oh, and a backpack to swap my Crumpler with. Once all the ‘clear cut’ is finalized, I have to call on my trusty girlfriends to get me through this very rough patch. Making such a decision is scary, but I’ll be fine.

Stef would just need some time.

I can’t wait for Henry to be back. He always has something to laugh about. Plus, I’m sure he’d be brandishing a couple of TVB series for me too. Good distraction. I love my brothers! They’re such darlings. I’ll always remember how Josh made honey for me after my wisdom tooth op. Turns out he’s sweeter than the honey. Haha!

Money from him?

11th October 2007

Is it a new thing for Malaysian women to take money from their boyfriends? I have come across a few of my girlfriends who get regular handouts from their boyfriends. One even got a car! And a Toyota at that! When it comes to the handouts, it can go from the hundreds to the thousands. Mostly an evident sign NOT of the man’s earning power, but how ‘devoted’ he is to her. But like I said, its ‘mostly’, I’m drawing a general observation here. I noticed that the men who give the most are often not the ‘better off’ ones, they just the ones who can’t live without their girlfriends.

Are financial handouts the new flowers? Is it acceptable for a woman to accept financial support from her boyfriend? Would it make a woman less dignified if she did?

I once discussed this with T and asked him about what he thinks about boyfriends giving out handouts to their girlfriends, and he was relatively open about the issue. He wasn’t supportive of the more generous boyfriends as he felt it was the girl abusing the relationship. For me, I wonder if it’s just the man’s way of manipulating their position in the relationship. I only wonder. T said he is willing to give me occasional financial assistance but he didn’t mention handouts. The difference, financial assistance usually has to be asked for and occurs only in the time of need; handouts are relatively regular and does not have to be asked for and doesn’t even have to serve any purpose than to please the girlfriend. So I guess I am only permitted financial assistance. But for me, I am not going to ask my man for money. As Siew Seen has said, it’s natural for a man to try to prove to a woman that he can provide, so if he gives, it’s ok to take, it’s ok to accept his money as a form of his providence. I agree with her, and as such I am not going to ask for it, but if it comes my way, ‘oolala’.

However, this got me thinking. In the past when we talk about money and such, T always seem to make it sound like he is very tight financially and have to save up for year end trips back to Singapore and so on. It’s a wonder why when he buys his cars or plans to buy new wheels or a new computer monitor does he not think that he is financially tight and have to save for all the other reasons. Why is it that when it comes to me, he is suddenly so much poorer? Am I reading too much into this? Because at this rate, he has a striking resemblance to my father. My father always can justify why he doesn’t have enough money for this and that and such, but next you know, you see a new car up front. Men! Am I attracted to T because of the familiarity there? If so, things look very bleak. But would it be a deal breaker?

Men, go figure...

11th October 2007

In the past where money is concerned between T and I, I am the penny pincher. I would try to watch every dime that goes out. That doesn’t mean I’m a great saver, not at all. It’s just that comparatively, I’m more practical when spending on ‘wants’. You know ‘wants’? Things that you want and may have no good reason for having them except that you just want them. So in the past when T discusses his intention to buy big-price-tag items, like computers, cars and such, I’m usually very discouraging and he usually complained that he had to sweat it out to get me to agree to a purchase. Mutual friends of ours would readily agree to that. T has a terrible ‘splurging’ habit of spending a lot on very few items, buying nearly the most expensive there is. His best friend Marcus always shakes his head to T’s spending and is a strong advocate of my penny pinching on T. =)

Two days ago, T came to me asking me of what I think of him buying a Dell monitor that was on offer. He said it usually costs $2000++, but it’s now approximately $1500++. If I were my old self, I would’ve asked a few questions about the purchase before being at least a little bit discouraging. I mean, I don’t see much sense in buying a new monitor when the old one’s perfectly fine, except that it’s not as big as the new one. But if I argue that, he might ague that I should perhaps wait till my wallet is spoiled before I buy new ones. But hey, my wallets have always been rather cheap, costing me less than RM 100 and at most I buy only one a year. And his purchases are usually in Australian Dollars! To him, it’s all the same. Men!

So, this time round, I just said ‘well, it’s up to you’. He was stunned and after an obiouv pause, responded ‘Huh, just like that?’ In fact, later in the day he called me again to consult me on this purchase and I gave the same response. It was obviously not the response he was hoping for. This man was searching for the old Stef, and she not around. He didn’t seem satisfied with my answer, but just kept silent. Men, go figure!

With the old-self talk, let me brief you on the transition of old-Stef to new-Stef. In the past, I’ve always been very devoted to my relationship with T. So devoted was I that my whole world evolved around him and I began to lose myself. In all my choices, I tried to think about what he would like. It could be simple things like which cereal he prefers and what music he likes. It was so extreme to the point that in my desire to make him feel as comfortable around me as I can possibly do, I even adopted his whimps and fancies. I learned to appreciate his music, dressing sense and literarily physically and emotionally waited on him daily hand and foot. Well, you get the drift. First romance; off-the-ramp.

Then, I got this book by Beverly Engel titled ‘Loving Him Without Losing You- How to stop disappearing and start being yourself’. It was just what I needed to get my head straight. Even with my newfound enlightenment, I was naturally a very devoted girlfriend. I still waited on him hand and foot both physically and emotionally, and still seek after all his likes, yes ‘all’, but this time, in my search for his likes I retained my sense of individuality. But I guess I made it pretty easy for the man. He began to get lazy and next thing I know, he can’t even write me a letter.

Well, after some ‘small’ ‘medium’ ‘big’ hiccups that spanned over the last few weeks, I decided to withdraw myself from the relationship. Stef is not going to be that too-good-to-believe devoted girlfriend. If I don’t take care of myself, my man may just get too lazy, too comfortable to take care of me. The new-Stef is a fiercely independent, highly sociable, embrace her sexuality, love her body kind of woman.

Now my man, you go figure!

Ugly snap

1st October 2007

Sometime last week, T and I had a conversation too serious for comfort. I was at my wits end. Frustrated and tired with all the commitments piled up, the last thing I need was for T to pull another issue with me. The previous weeks were trying, and this was already more than I can bear, this week was like the last straw from me. I snapped at him. It was a small issue considering the others that we had to deal with in the previous weeks, but it was just too much for me. I couldn’t cope. I snapped.

And when Stef snaps, it’s just ugly. Very ugly. I picked on him from head to toe. I fussed about how he had missed out on things that are small but so important to me. Though now we’re on regular talking terms, it’s still feels like something is amiss. In private (now, not so private), I wondered why after all these years of asking him of small things like a handwritten letter or a card every once in awhile have I got only so few in my collection. This year I’ve got none. And I’ve reminded him over and over how much these small things mean to me, especially in an LDR.

Why I need these mementos?
First, it’s to help me to stay in touch in this relationship especially when I get fiercely independent. Second, it’s to help me cool down in times like these when I snap at him at big or petty things. Third, it’s to make up for the slack he takes on with his laid-back attitude. So I don’t get all needy. Whenever I need to know if I still mater, I just refer to these little mementos.

After so many reminders, my collection to date this year is…nada! I’m frustrated. I try not to ask too much of him (but yet, it seems I still am, according to the man), I try to over look it all and psyche myself that it’s ok. But really, it’s not! If he can’t be here with me then why can’t his letters be? Is that too much?

For most part of the year where I’m very much devoted into my relationship with T. But these weeks where I’m drained out from all the issues, I’ve turned fiercely independent and less forbearing of these miss-outs.

Every time we talk these days, I have to pretend that everything is all right, but it’s not. But as the man has said, I pick on him too much, how can I say this and not add it to the ‘picking-on-him’ list. And even if I did say it, chances are I won’t get I’m asking for either, I’ve said it so many times before, why should I think that if I say it another one more time, it’ll be different this time round? I have no reason to think so. So I guess the act is still on. Pretending everything is all right. But for how long?

I don’t like this.

1st - 7th October (@the Westin)

Since my connection got screwed, here's how I'll be logging my blog:

1st October 2007, Monday

Internet connection has gone bonkers. Streamyx is lousy. So here I am compiling my blogging entries till I get to the net again in college or at FF.

Traffic on the way to college was really bad today. All along the way I was having second thoughts as to whether I should continue on to college. After all, I don’t have work that evening, and Shenba’s classes are always another barking session. The decisive factor was an sms from Narin saying that he’s not working today, so no workouts. Off I go making a u-turn at the Loke Yew junction and headed home. Ahh…I’m glad I did so. I heard that not much was thought during the class I missed, it was largely on the barking.


2nd October 2007, Tuesday

Today I’ve booked another session with Narin at 2pm. So off I head to a 1 and 1/2 hour class. Class was all right, but workout was a killer. Cardio aside, Narin and I trained at the studio upstairs. Much to my annoyance, some colleagues took this as a time to watch me in ‘demonstration’ of workout techniques, and my trainer’s attention was much divided to me and to advising them. What a bummer. I hope it doesn’t become a habit.

At the end of the day, I’m left feeling sore, mostly from my abs and lower back all the way down to just above my knees. I can’t imagine tomorrow. No regrets though. =)


3rd October 2007, Wednesday

Not an eventful day. I am really starting to feel the daunting assignments catching up with me. The final exam timetable is out. It’s still awhile away, I wish it was sooner; I’d just want to get it over with.

Got an invite from Jay to feast at the Westin this Saturday. I’m too lazy to put myself into the social arena. My room seems ever so inviting. I went against my will and agreed to the feast. Why? Because if I continue to turn down invites, I’d be a recluse for life. Besides, Jay is one of those friends whose invites I’ve turned down just too often. I’m surprised he still asks. Even I would’ve given up on myself awhile back. Ha! But I take it that I’ll be dragging my feet till the day itself.


6th October 2007, Saturday

I have work today. Bummer. Only good thing about it, I’m working with Hanim- the best colleague to work with as of now. By 3pm I’m bored out. Every passing minute leaves me more and more frustrated with my job. I don’t like being hired to do nothing. Waiting around till a member or two comes around and occupies 5 seconds of my time. Let me spell it out for you, it’s B-O-R-I-N-G! I imagine myself pulling at my hair and breaking things. URGH!!! By 4pm, I was stomping my foot. I still have another 2 more hours to go. It’s unbearable. I excused myself and headed to the office. There I let out a huge sign and stomped on the carpet. I am so bored out! I leave work worrying about how the working hours during Raya is going to bore me. I am seriously starting to hate work. If not for my workouts, I’ll be calling it quits. It’s so boring and dull, it’s outright frustrating. I wish I had those mini TV so I can self-entertain through those grueling hours.

After work, I rush in for a shower and prepped for the night ahead at the Westin. First, I had to pick Jay up from Plaza Damansara, and I had a good look around at the area. Lots of nice restaurants along that stretch. I’m going to be back there when Terence is in KL again. =)

At the Westin, Jay and I were the first to arrive, Later on, Tabh, Eunice, Ramone and Erica. A fine bunch of people. Great company, insightful conversations. Food was quite ok. Not particularly recommendable. I thought Westin had good standards, but at least at the Living Room, it was sheer disappointment. But the company made up for more than what the place lacked. Two of the wine glasses had lipstick stains. Gross. Service was slow, but Ramone’s choice of Rose was fantastic. Light and fruity. Me likes. The best part of night was at qbar, this salsa bar downstairs. The live band was fabulous and so was the place. The main singer is this lady from I-don’t-know-where, who has a six pack and toned defined muscles all around. She’s a hot little bootie who sings like canary. Unfortunately for me, I’m still feeling quite a dumbo on the dance floor. I’ve got to learn how to sway my bootie soon.

I guess I was also a bit of a bad-sport when I stuck to mineral water at the bar. I guess the over stuffed stomach and the thought of the calorie-piling for the night, just leave me with no reason for more calories. It’s a good thing the boys did not call for martinis. I wouldn’t be able to turn that down. A martini is always greeted with open palms from me. So far, Melon Martinis at the La Bodega had served my cravings best. *Slurp *

Hanging out with these people who average a bout a decade older than me, I realized that in order to be a better conversationalist among these people who had lived a decade before me, I really need to read up. Be it the newspapers, or readings on general knowledge stuffs to book reviews, I really need to read up. Here I am, all these while thinking that among my friends (who’re mostly about my age), I am one of the more well-read people, then ‘boom’ here comes the people who have seen-it-and-done-it, and I feel like there’s almost nothing I can talk to them about which they don’t already know. Aiks, ka-boom.

Nevertheless, the people there were great. Such comfortable company. A nice evening which I’m more than happy that I’ve dragged myself to. Definitely beats being a recluse. Ha!


7th October 2007, Sunday
I wake up tired. So very tired. Haiz….

Too tired for church. No regrets for yesterday night, but I feel awful that it has affected my Sunday morning. I guess I’m not the late-nighter like my darling Shere. She can party party all night till the wee hours, and still rise when the sun’s still rising and still look like a million bucks. Lucky girl.

Tomorrow is the barking class. Shenba’s going to bark her tail off. I know I probably shouldn’t be saying this, but I can’t help but think that she can be such a sore at times. She needs some telling-to-the-face that her teaching style sucks; it’s not going to be me until I have passed all her subjects. Don’t want a sequel semester with the barking lecturer.

Tomorrow, workout day. =) Must gung-ho a bit. Think about the 6-pack singer at qbar. Yes! Hahaa…

Mum's birthday

Mum's birthday was last Sunday. I was the first sit-down dinner we had as a family this year. The only thing short was Henry and Terence wasn't around. Too bad. From what I heard from mum, Henry would be back in December. Hopefully we can have a real whole family dinner then. =)

Here're pictures of mum and her cake (sorry mum, can't seem to get your picture upright) =P:




The cake was a Green Tea with Red Bean cake which I got from a Taiwanese bakery in Taman Danau Desa. It was the perfect cake, mum and Aunt Keng loved it, so did I.

It was nice. Simple and nice.


By the way, here's my screwed up calculator...It has been with me since Form 4 (year 2000), now it's time its replaced.

my Saturday out leaves me happy

Today's been great. Quite tiring, but great. First I met up with Irene at IU, we did some shopping. Irene wanted to get a bag for work, but at the end of the day, she hadn't decided on any one in particular, but we went home with bags full of other stuffs. For myself, I have been on the look out for the prices of Clinelle skincare range, and I was really happy to come accross some value packs and discounts in Guardian, so I got a full range at a bargain. =) I've also bought the Palmer's Olive Butter with Vitamin E, which I tried today after a shower and I love it. It smells great and goes beautifully on the skin, plus, I got it at 20% off!!! Such a cheapo huh? I think so too. =)

Next after reaching home from our shopping, I had to shower and get ready to meet Sherelyn for the launch of Blook in Bangsar. I haven't met up with Shere since about May this year. That's so long ago to me. Meeting up was great, we had a nice time. Coincidentally, I met with Cheryl Mohan at the function. Cheryl is friends with the owner of Blook. It was such a surprise, I haven't met Cheryl since we left Methodist College, that's about 5 years back. Wow. Cheryl and Shere had quite a lot to say as both are in the magazine industry. =) Nice.

Here's a picture of me and Cheryl (taken off from my camera with my mobile- if you can understand that)


Blook's new makeover is really nice, a very comfortable and spacious shopping space. I was quite impressed witht he formal wears, makes me wonder why I didn't get my prom dress here years ago. =) With such a makeover, I expected their prices to take a notch up, but as Sherelyn has said, it's still pretty much the same. They had an Indonesian lady sing at various parts of the function, her name is Tassie. She was just fabulous. Her voice was steady through the song Ave Maria, which I doubt many local singers can do. Except for the 30-40 minutes delay, everything else was pretty much routined, but nonetheless entertaining. =)

After the rather uneventful function, Shere and I headed to La Bodega in Bangsar. I had a Tiramisu (which was nice, but fattening!!), and a Melon Berry Crush Smoothie (if I remember it correctly). Shere ordered a jug of Sangria for us to share, but I didn't like it, so the leftovers we sitting around till Weng Jin joined us much later in the night. Weng Jin's a pretty down to earth and cool chap. Nice company. Very nice. Both of them were great to lounge aroung with. He's the only guy I've known who does paints his nails with black nail polish. How uncommon for me, but I find it really interesting. Nothing too unusual, as JJ told me that he use to manicure his nails as well. Hmmm....guys really come in all sorts. Hahaa...

Today's been really nice, but I'm exhauted from all the going out. I'll probably try to make time to this more often as it's really nice, and maybe, just maybe after doing this a few rounds I won't find it so exhauting at the end of the day. =) Irene, Shere and Weng Jin were great company for my Saturday. Really fun people. I'm blest.

Tomorrow is mum's birthday, I can't wait! =) Mum's been just great!

I'm left divided

Decisions. Decision. Decisions.

So far the hardest decision I have to make is this, where I have to compromise one love for another. I have to decide where I go from my graduation mid next year. Adelaide? KL? Singapore?

I'm tied mainly between:
- my commitment to my relationship with Terence
- my commitment to my family in KL
- my own desire career-wise

The first factor draws me to Adelaide, but the last two draws me to KL. So as you may have expected, I am more keen on being in KL than in Adelaide. I still love Adelaide, in fact, if I could I would love to stay there for the next 5 years and return to KL for good thereafter.

This brain-wrecking decision affects just too many close relationships in my life. It may even be the deal-breaker in my relationship. Is it worth it? I don't know. I will never know. But for now, it's a risk I can afford to take. Or can I?

I ponder, I wonder, I'm still divided...

~~~~~pen off~~~~~

my handfree koyak, and a gem on wheels

Look what happened to my LG hands-free set. It's ruined. Hmm...that's mostly my doing really. I was fiddling with it, trying to attach it to my phone while driving, and one of the ear piece got screwed when it got stuck between the seats. Aiks!



I don't know if the other ear piece is working, but it's so sad to see it go so soon. =P

Anyways, chuck that aside and check out what I found 'lounging' on concrete:




Nice huh? Terence would probably trade me in for this. Haiz...

Raving about the Wave!

In the past, this is the machine I would shun away when working out at the gym. First, because I heard that it's at least as tiring to do as the stepper (which was a killer for me); secondly, because the motion of this machine make your bum swing in the air. Well, not really swing la, but still, for ladies like myself where my biggest asset is at the seater, the seater is the last I'd like to be swaying in front of people I know (namely, colleagues).

Here's the machine I use to find so scary, the Cardio Wave


You can check it out at http://www.technogym.co.uk/BUSINESS/_vti_g3_prodExc.aspx?id=1&rpstry=11683_
The model used at the gym is slightly different, but they work the same (I guess).

Two days back, Narinder asked me to workout on the wave. I couldn't say no. After all, he's the pro. I struggled the first 5 minutes, but once I got the hang of it, it was kind of addictive. Narin asked me to be on the wave for 10 minutes, but I made it to 20 minutes. I love it. Today, I did the wave again, I'm starting to love this machine. Beautiful.

Today's workout was pretty challenging. No weight lifting and such, just basics like squats and others which I don't know what they're called. I can't believe that my upper body is so heavy. By the third set, everytime I get up from the squat, my legs would wobble. I did single leg squats too. By the second set, balancing became a challenge, and to think that through all that, I was just using my leg muscles to lift my upper body. I suppose my upper body must have weigh lots. Hahaa... But I'm loving it. Getting to the gym can be such a bummer, but once I'm started I love it lots. =) It's great.

gifts from my beloved

I was just thinking of this incident during my last trip to Adelaide. Terence and I had the delight of having Sarah staying with us for about 2 weeks. During this time, Jeremy (Sarah's boyfriend) couriered an expensive watch to her for her birthday. The watch was really quite nice. It's the third watch he has given her, the previous ones have mysteriously gone 'astray'. It was a bright pink coloured one with a digital display. Really quite nice and definately pricey. Although Sarah was pleased with the gift, she wasn't particularly thrilled, because she had something else in mind. This darling lady wanted an external DVD drive so that she can watch shows on her lappie during the quiet night in her hostel. She wanted the external drive quite badly really.

This gave rise to a little talk that we have:

"Don't we just wish our boyfriends gave us different gifts at times?"

My immediate response was 'yes'. Terence was rather taken aback at this point, and he asked 'which gift?' My heart sank, I didn't like the feeling that he seemed somewhat hurt to know that his gifts weren't ideal. I didn't feel good at all. I quickly ran through my thoughts trying to find a gift that he may have given with little expectations, but I couldn't find one. He always seem to try his best. So I blurted a recent gift: zchocolates on my last birthday. These chocolates were extremely expensive. They were couriered from France and the wooden casing was personalised. If I'm not wrong, it cost over a thousand ringgit. Just the courier service was a hundred over euro dollar. I felt the pain of this splurge on me. Its so expensive. When I first got the gift, I was nothing short of happy and excited, but when I had a rough idea of the cost, I felt the pain. I felt I would rather have the money instead and buy myself many different gifts. At this point, Terence was speechless, and so Sarah and I continued in the discussion of why our boyfriends got us gifts we didn't want. Sarah concluded that she'd rather have money any time, than gifts as she has the tendency to loose her personal belongings.

However, as I ponder upon this gift that Terence has given me, and the many others before it (some of which wasn't impressive at first glance), I realized that these gifts somewhat 'grew' on me as my love for Terence grew. As I get more attached to Terence, these gifts served as dear reminders of different points in out relationship. Most of all, the choice of gifts evidently shows who Terence is. Like, when he got me a bag, he choose a Kipling (which is comparatively hardy and quite sporty) when I'd secretly rather a ladies handbag. Initially, I didn't really know what to do with that Kipling, but now, I love it. Love it not so much for its design, but more so that it came from Terence. So I suppose, to Sarah's question, my answer should have been, 'no, I would not have Terence gave me anything else other than those he has already chosen'. I wouldn't change his gifts for anything else.

To me, the gifts I get from Terence aren't meant to fulfill any material needs I may have, but more so to provide for my emotional needs. In such a LDR, it reminds me that I'm special and I'm still thought of everyday. I know these for a fact even without the gifts, but it's nice to have things you can feel and hold when he's not there. Things which constantly tells you that 'hey, he loves you' everytime you see it or use it. I guess Terence would still continue to try to get me gifts to provide for me material-wise (after all, guys naturally like to provide for their girlfriends right), and I'll always love them, because I know the thought he has put in in selecting each gift.

This may seem funny, but his gifts reminds me of him the way his other habits does. Like last time when I use to stay with Siew Seen, there were rare occasions when Terence would take a shower at our place. When Siew Seen and I shower, we always managed to keep the toilet floor dry, but Terence always leave a puddle and soak the mat. The first time Terence had to leave Adelaide to be in Singapore for 2 weeks, I coped with the absence quite alright. The only time I felt particularly sad was when I get into the shower and I look at my dry floor mat and think to myself 'how I wish he was here to wet the mat and leave a puddle'. It's just silly things like that which makes him special to me. Am I the only one this silly? Hahaa... Blissfully silly, and 'sillily' blissful.

diets- easier said

How can some girls just say I'm on a diet and actually say no to good food? And these girls are usually not working out either, they just choose not to eat! The guys at the gym takes diet to a whole different level. Not only do they not eat what they usually would like to eat, they make themself eat stuffs that are horrid, like those supplements and all. Some supplements taste good to some guys, others just hate it. And they go on with life like nothing has changed in their routine.

I'm struggling to say 'no'. I can say no to people, no to shopping, but I can't say no to food! Even when I do turn down good food, I go through the rest of the day feeling quite deprived! I'm thinking 'awww....why can't I have ice kacang' or something like that. But if I could only just discipline my food intake for a complete 2 weeks, the rest is not a problem as I'd just loose interest in my favourite foods. (Oh no, this is starting to sound like my relationship. That's bad.)

Hmmm...lets see, maybe I'll try to be a bit more stringent with myself tomorrow. Aiks! I hate diets! Who says they're easy? How can people go on herbalife and all that stuff meal after meal? Don't they get sick? If I had durian for a whole day I wouldn't want it tomorrow. Urgh! Blek! Isn't half the fun in a day about the food we eat? I wouldn't say so if I were in Adelaide, but I'm in Malaysia, where food is absolutely fattening and fabulous!!!!

I think the best thing now is to have Siew Seen with me to scare me off all the fats and all. Siew Seen has this dramatic way of talking about certain foods in such a way that at the end of the day you feel like you've been eating dirt. Blek. It's not a bad thing really, cause Siew Seen's usually very careful with what she says, but if you ask her to help you diet, she has this way of making you naturally deter yourself from those fatty foods, because she make them sound and taste like Cancer. She'd be the best diet companion for me! Siew Seen~!!!

Jim Brickman and the likes

Listening to Jim Brickman while driving in the rain.

Jim Brickman has become my staple driving companion. Thanks to Wee Ben's influence of music like Jim Brickman, Kenny G and Dave Koz, I have the company of these fabulous 'men'.

Listening to Jim brings me back to that day in Adelaide where Terence was lounging in my unit and I had put Kenny G on my player. Terence was slumped on one of the bean bags in the tiny living room, while I was hanging Siew Seen and my clothes. Terence hummed and said that it was so nice to be listening to Kenny G while watching me do these simple chores. =) It's a nice memory. Those days we were both students and it was the carefree life for us. Taking each hour as it comes and seldom having to plan for the day ahead or even the night to come. Nice-nice.

Jim Brickman aside, I remember this other song that Wee Ben introduced to me to too... 'Nothing's gonna change my love for you', but I can't remember who the singer is, he's probably a George somebody. I remember those school days when I would get home and plop onto the bed for a nap, and the next thing I know, someone's playing the piano in the house and keeping me awake! But usually it's one of those songs that I like, so although I'm kept awake, I'm not cranky like I would be. =) I remember often it would be Wee Ben playing that song, why that man invites himself into my house so often. Hahaa....but it had always been nice.

Wee Ben's musical talents did not just serenade me, it did so for my mum and my aunt, and they all wanted me to start playing the piano like him. Thank God my brother couldn't be bothered! Hahahaa.... =P Needless to say, me playing like Wee Ben never came to past. =) That's just too bad. I would love to, but I guess I didn't want it bad enough. Wee Ben was good with his wife too. Back then, his wife was his shiny sax(aphone). He'd always talk about his wife as his sax, and you know back in high school how absurd that would sound like to teenage boys. Hahaa....he was always prided as the school clown. Always someone good for the laughs. Though now we're not on the best of terms (much of my silly doings), he'll always be a close friend of the family.

I remember the first time we met was when Henry brought 2 friends home after one of his trips to Penang or someplace. And I just got my entrance exam results from Methodist College. I went up to Henry all excited and told him I got into MC! I was so excited! Then there was these two friends who was introduced to me, and when it came to Wee Ben he said he was 29 years old or something like that, and I believed him. Needless to say, my brother and the other guy was in fits of laughter. The teased Wee Ben for looking old and all that. If my memory serves me well, I think the other friend was Yee Gan. Another nice chap, a tall fair guy who always have a smile to give.

My brother has always made great friends, many of whom I look up to like brothers. Even his girlfriends are often real sweet characters. One in particular- Yee Ling, has somewhat watched out for me when we traveled to Langkawi last time. Now my mum's worried that my brother won't get a girlfriend. I don't see any need to worry. A guy this nice would be snapped up anytime. Only problem is, he can be such a bum at times. Maybe I should hold like a 'The Bachelor' thingy for him to get hitched. Hahaaa! Don't worry bro, I won't pakat with mum to sabotage you, after all, I love you mah... =)

*sigh* those were the days, from high school to Adelaide, life's been good. Now, it's decisions-decisions-decisions. Where do I go from here? Hmmm....maybe I should consult Jim Brickman again. =)

workouts.workouts.workouts!

I've been deligently working out these past two weeks. However, I haven't really been watching my diet. So on one end I burn calories, on the other I eat it all back in and who knows, I prolly take in more than I burn. Oh no-no, better not! Sometimes after hours of classes, the most appealing thing to do is to rush home and sleep. But if I force myself to so much as get a foot into the gym, I my mood switches to being excited about working out. Well, partly is because Narin always comes up with new workout routines, and I'm usually quite curious which part of me will be in pain later on.

I'm not a saddist. I don't delight in pain. If its just aches from workouts, that really quite ok. Today we did something like a circuit training. During the workout itself, it all seems quite manageable. But an hour later, I feel the pain on my upper back, between my shoulder blades. Ouchie mama...

My aunt never seems to understand why I would put myself through such pain. She'd rather I go to a slimming center where I just lie on or in a machine and technology supposedly makes the fats 'melt' away. Well, sure sounds easy enough. But I'd rather do it the old fashion way or workouts. After all, the after workout feeling is great!

Sometimes I can feel pretty lethargic. Half the day I can feel like I'm dragging a cow on each limb. But working out feels great for so many reasons. It's not just the immediate effect or the weight loss results, it's the fitness that I gain that feels great. I won't say I'm really fit, in fact, I'm not fit at all, but as I get fitter, I feel I've more energy everyday and I can focus better on my work. My skin also don't look so 'jello' like any more. Toned. Me like!

These women are images of a 'mascular' dream of mine... yeap, I don't just want to lose weight, I want defined muscles! I'm gonna be cat woman!




I don't want to be super muscular like Madonna, and I don't want to be stick model thin either. I want to be like them up there. I've seen figures like this in real life. Like some of Narin and other trainer's clients, those ladies can vary from model-like thin, to madonna-like muscular. So, I know my dream is not unattainable, just lots of hard work and discipline.

When I feel the motivation abrading, I refer to my Shape magazines and such. Reading success stories and articles on health or fitness does keep me going. Maybe one day I can unveil a new me like those women in the magazines. =) Maybe I'll be a sucess story too!

LDR

Long-Distance Relationship...why I find it difficult...

For someone of my nature, LDR is not that easy. First, I struggle with commitments. I find it hard to commit at times. When we get to see each other, it's often easy to feel devoted to each other. But its when we're not together and the lovey-dovey fades, that I transit into this 'single-ness' mindset. Because of this 'transition', often when we see each other again, it takes me about 2 weeks to get into the 'couple' feel again. It feels really weird. And when we part, it's like I have to 'transit' back to the single lifestyle. Usually all these 'transition would leave me in an emotional limbo, and I if I'm adapting to Terence's absence, most areas of my life would run on auto-pilot. It's an absence of mind and a loss of focus. But once I'm out of limbo, I'm either with Terence and feeling all devoted into the relationship, or I become fiercely independent and struggle to commit. I suppose this is something that I have to learn to deal with on my own.

I'm really looking forward to next year though. At a glance I feel excited about all the changes that next year will bring, yet after some thought, I'm left to wonder as to where should I go from here. Although it was always assumed that I would return to Adelaide once I've graduated, yet of late, I have been rather keen on pursuing a career in KL for at least a year. But I've been in an LDR for 3 years now, if I stay on another year, would it be too trying for my relationship? But if I don't pursue a career here in KL next year, I might not get such a chance again. Aiks....so much to decide. On top of that, the issue of marriage. I'm a bit lost in that aspect of late. It's like wavering back and forth if I'd really want to marry this young. Haiz, I guess I'll decided that in the few seconds after being proposed to (by don't know who), and hopefully I'd make the right choice. Choice of a lifetime. What pressure. =P *Blek* It's like Siew Seen says, you just have to take the plunge.

I've been really looking forward to the next time I'd be meeting Terence, and that would be around 23rd December 2007 (Marc's wedding in Singapore). The plan was for Terry to stop at Singapore for a few days for the wedding and such, followed by a trip to KL for a week or so. But something has come up and Terry might only be able to stop over in Singapore and skip the trip to KL. =( And to think I was looking forward to that. Aiks....there it goes.... =(

Sometimes during an LDR, I feel like I'mnot getting enough from my relationship while putting into the relationship beyond what I can manage. Am I asking for too much? I don't think so. It's a struggle one way or another. Next year....I would have to make more decisions than this year, starting from where I go from my graduation. Where?

Now see why I say LDR is so difficult for me. Even so, I reckon we'd be fine. I reckon. It has always worked out. I suppose it will continue to do so.

The cutest boy ever

I've been watching this Japanese series, and it brought back memories of the cutest and absolutely most adorable boy I've ever met. During my last trip back to Adelaide in August 2007, I was walking towards Central Market, when this boy got off the 'Bee Line' bus along with a group of other boys. This particular boy was the shortest and presumeably the youngest. They were all dressed in uniform-like black suits with white shirts that had a taperred to look a bit like those Japanese school uniforms. They were a bunch of asian boys, probably around their early teenage years. The cute one is probably around 10-15 years old. More like 11 or 12 years old. He was a young short chap that gave a Japanese/ Korean flair to the way he looks and expresses himself. He had dark purple highlights to his short hair and it was set very stylishly without the look of any hair gel or whatsoever. He looked like a natural, like he woke up so cute everyday. He had the dark asian features on a fair and slightly pinkish complexion. Such a small frame in a suit with those 'perfect' looks were outright adorable. I haven't seen a boy so cute in all my years. But too bad, he's too young, too short, too childlike.....Not my game. Hahaa... but I'll always remember him as the cutest boy ever.

It's hard to believe that of all the good looking chaps I've seen, and trust me I've seen many, yet, none could compare to this boy. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a penchant for boys, men- maybe, but not boys, no fetish there. Just like men like cars and pretty girls, me and most of my girlies like guy-watching. It's kinda like sight-seeing. Some of these girlies may be too shy to speak so 'flirtatiously' about the opposite gender, but after a few rounds of shopping and hang outs, tongues are loose and the girlies start to talk. Many of us would just sit around at times and compare the men that pass. Hahaa....yes, it can get boring at times, but usually its fun, especially with girlies who have a sacarstic tone and a figurative discription to all those comments. And with these guy-watching, more obvious than not, is the truth in the saying that 'beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder'. After a few guy-watching sessions, we may try to point out which guy is 'your' type. Silly, yes; but not shallow. It's no less unproductive than sitting in front of the telly or going out for window shopping. It's not a daily or weekly activity that we indulge in, it's an 'as when it happens' kind of thing. So, once again, no fetish there. Interestingly enough, the best girlies for guy-watching are usually those with boyfriends, and our guy-friends who take part in these girlie talks are usually ever so amusing, and the things they say are outright hilarious! Guys are best for girl talk. It's the 'brawl over and laugh on the floor' crazy things that they say that leaves you tearing out of laughter. Nice-nice!

Cute boys are everywhere, but definately not in college. My college has drought of cute boys. They're running extinct there. So where do I feast my eyes on these beautiful creations of God? Why, everywhere else! There are loads at the gym, but after awhile they all look no more appealing than the other. The exciting ones are where you least expect to see them, like at shopping malls, at eateries, etc. Hmm....come to think of it, I think a broad range of races appeal to me. I've fancied, the Chinese of course (though they get rigid in their ways are are often the least surprising or spontaneous), the Indians (hmm....a very small selection), the South Africans (love their stature, their height, their love for life), the Middle-East people (they have beautiful features, especially their eyes), and maybe the Caucasions (though they don't usually hold my interest for long).

With all the talk on looks, don't think I'm a lady version of a philanderer. No-no-no, I'm not! Seeing a goodlooking man is like checking out shoes in a shop. Just looking at nice shoes doesn't make me want to buy them, just like looking at goodlooking men don't make me want to know them. A man who truely intrigues my interest for more than 5 minutes is one with charm. Meeting charming men when you're attached is like wanting to buy a pair of shoes that you don't need and can't afford. And me being practical old-I, shall leave the shoes at the rack, money is better spent else where. Charms charms charms charms. Ooooh...I love charms. It can be as simple as the tone of his voice, to his build, but most of all his confidence and love of life. Maybe a philanthropist. Yup, sounds good. =) Ha! Too bad, most of the men I find charming are either phalanderers, or on the wrong side of the fence. Good looking men I've seen so many...countless in fact, but the charming ones, I can count on one hand. Too bad. In fact, one day I may end up marrying a man with little charm....who knows? But if so, that's just too bad. Too bad.

Saturday, 22 September, 2007 12:18:56 AM

who's weird? me?

What is weird really? Who decides what is weird? Is dancing in the shower weird? Is eating tomato ketchup straight from the bottle weird? What about sleeping on the floor out of preference? Well, don't get me wrong, I do neither of those. Even so, I think I am weird. No one has really told me with a straight face that I'm weird. Hmm...let's see. Adele occasionally tells me that I'm weird, usually so when she herself had just done something odd to play along. =) Her "you're so weird" remarks are usually ever so humorous. But it's not what she has said that has caused me to think that I'm a weird bug.

There're quite a handful of incidents in the past that contributed to my conclusion that Stephanie daughter Mok is kind of a weird bug. You see, that statement is just the peak of the weird iceberg. =P Let's compile the weird incidents:

First to mind is one of the most recent. About a year back, I had this really poorly managed somewhat dispute with a long time friend- Ben. Well, it's kind of a long story and the circumstances surrounding the issue arose for many different reasons. With odd circumstances, lots of things on my mind, and for excuses sake- a bad mix of hormones too, and as a result, without any confrontation, somehow there was a dispute. How could a dispute arise without a confrontation? Maybe the word I should use is not dispute, but I really can't think another more appropriate word to use. I know that the circumstances I've stated above hold little detail and its pretty vague. Well, unfortunately if I devulge too much it would be just too embarassing for me. Too ambarassing that something so simple can cease communication between old friends. More embarassing on my part than ever. After such a long period of silence, it's hard to wonder where to start the talking again, or what to talk about. Our friendship has just sunk into a limbo, its neither here nor there. At one point, I guess we were both wondering silently on own about what is going on with the other. But we never got beyond that and spoke. I regret this loss in a friend. A friend so genuine. I guess it's not too late to salvage the friendship, but I don't know where to start, not to mention, it's so embarassing to acknowledge my weirdness.

Weird incident number two...hmmm....this may sound harmless enough, more often than not it leaves me feeling oh-so-weird about myself. I'm kind of odd in a sense, that is, at most times I may be just caught up in the task at hand and give little thought to people. But then when I get a moment or two to my own company, I feast in my thoughts. Well, I don't really feast, but still, I wallow in them. Ha! Anyway, in my thinking-of-thinkings, more often I would think about the people in my life, especially on recent occurences. When I think about it, I may feel surge of appreciation and love for people at varying degrees. Sometimes it can be as plain and feeling that I owe someone a big thank you, sometimes, it can be a little special where I tell someone (usually a girlfriend) to take care. These expressions do not have to come about from big efforts of another, it could be simple things that I would appreciate so much. Often, I would express these in writing, like writing them a card and so forth. Often, these 'expressions' are greeted with silence, and this would leave me thinking....hmmm....was the card an over-reaction? Where they caught by surprise, so much so that it was weird of me to have done that? And because of that, sometimes, when I feel something special for someone I hesitate before expressing myself. Maybe it is that my thanks to them come too late (like a week later or something), because usually when things happen around me, I can neglect the people who have helped me along the way. I get to focused on the task at hand. But when I take a step back, I so wanted to thank them, and by the time my intention of thanks get around to the next time I see them, it has been somewhat ages since whatever I had to thank for had happened. Woa....what a long sentence there. =P Oh well, good thing is that the last time I did this usually-weird-thing was sometime 2 weeks back. I wrote a card to Adele and gave it to her with some Korean snacks. It seems like I totally charmed her. She was delighted. It's nice.

Well, there're other weirdness in me, like....I love walking in the rain in climates like Genting or Cameron Highlands, I also like to have my fries dip in a mix of ketchup and chilli plus black pepper. Weird? So what, I like it! Yeah!

Stef loves flowers

Today I'm feeling a bit mellow. I am thinking of having a bouquet of white/cream coloured roses and eustomas, something like this....



but on second thought, that seems like too big a bunch. Maybe something like this would be more manageable...



Well, I just want white flowers now. Nice and mellow...compliments my mood today. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'd like sunflowers instead. Hmmm....sunflowers are quite unlikely, stargazers for tomorrow maybe....maybe...

I guess white flowers are one I can take to comfort everyday. Just as I was thinking of how its too bad that flowers have such few days from bud to full bloom, so perishable; yet, on second thought, I guess that is also the beauty of it all. Just like life, it's not too bad that people die, I suppose it's also a beauty in life to celebrate and mourn. Oh dear...here I go wading in my mellow moods. =P

Well, it's good my comfort comes from flowers (and huggable-ly-lovely toys) and not food. No controversies with my workouts there. =)

Okay, I'm feeling better already just talking about flowers. How plain is that.

So far, I remember that the best quality flowers I've seen are from www.rosesonly.com.au. Here are some of their flowers that are absolutely lovely...




They may seem plain and ordinary enough, but the quality of it is exquisite. Each stalk is individually vacummed sealed at its end with sufficient water and minerals. The roses arrives in beautiful long sturdy boxes and the roses are lined neatly to a perfection. Not one crease can be found on the rose petals and they're all in nice tight buds. A sachet of additive for cut flowers is included in the box for our home care for these cut flowers. Even in the tight buds that it arrives in, it lives on for weeks from bud to bloom, and when hung to dry it maintains colour and form beautifully. Simply exquisite. One of the finest quality flowers I've ever seen. The detail and perfection down to the ribbon bow on the box is so refined.

Hmmm....I feel good already. Hahaa....back to my books now. Ciao!

no pain, no gain?

The effects of workouts are starting to set in. Aches and pain, it's like waking up in the morning, it's a norm. Last week's workouts brought on mere muscle sores and no real ache. I was fully fuctional for most part of my body, and 'macho-ly' told Narin that I've been fine after workouts. So, I guess on Monday Narin up-ed the weights and the reps (either one or both).

Tuesday morning came. Stef woke up at about 4am for nature's call. AAAHHHHH!!!! I was in pain! Big time aches! Most of the pain were on my thighs- front and back (don't know what the muscles there are called). Sitting up was no problem, but I had to use my hands to push my legs off the bed. Pain-pain-pain. Getting up was pain, reaching the toilet was no relief either. Getting into a sitting position on the toilet seat = pain. Get up after relieving myself = pain. Getting back on a lying position on the bed required tactical means. I could get myself to sit on the bed, but there was no way I could lift my legs back onto the bed. They were just in too much pain. So I sat on one the long end of the bed with my back facing the bed head, and using my hands, I pushed myself backwards towards the bedheadtill both legs are on the bed. Sleeping was a task too. Everytime I turned = pain. I make sure I had all the essentials (handphone, water bottle, air-cond remote controller, tissues, etc) by my bed so that I wouldn't have to get off the bed unnecessarily. Hahaa...dear me.

I knew I couldn't sit on the bed forever, I had to move or stretch my muscles when I can to ease the lactic acid build-ups. Going to the gym would be too much for me. So I thought shopping would be a good incentive to get me out and moving. So off Sted went to Jusco. I left Jusco with a new pair of shoes (which were on discount), some of those 'grandma' looking panties (hahaa), two cooking magazines and a Shape magazine (from MPH). I'm quite happy with my loot. But there're a dozen more things I reckon I would like to get. But then again, I guess I could feel that way even if I've bought twice as much. Hmmm...it's nice to know that I don't have everything and that I can still look forward to get other stuffs some other time.

Having spent nearly 2 months in KL since my last trip to Adelaide, I've pretty much adapted to a 'single' mindset. I don't pause every few hours thinking about what I would be doing in Adelaide if I were there at that time. Having adapted back to KL has it's pros and some what cons. Pros are, I enjoy time here better and would initiate to invest more of 'myself' into the things that I do (work at FF excluded- a different for another time). Also, I attach myself more to my family, a blessing really. Somewhat cons are, I lose attachment in my relationship with Terence, I've grown reluctance to leave KL and my family which have grown on me. Haiz...divided. Siew Seen and I have been talking about this the last few emails. We both feel divided between our family and our relationships (for her, it's not so much her relationship, but every other reason that has her in Adelaide). *sigh* where will the next few years take us?

There are other things on my mind. I better pen off before I say things which I'm not suppose to.

Workout vs Cravings

Today and yesterday I've set time aside to work out under Narinder's instructions. Narinder was kind enough to make time to assist me in my workouts. Yesterday was great (in a way). After my workout with him, I can barely feel my legs. They turned jello. As I did a range of weight training with him, I stretched out at the end of the workout to ease the lactic acid build-ups. There was a rising urge to puke. But after shower, I was good to go again. The uphill walk back to college was such a drag. My legs were barely there. =P

I woke up today thinking of molten chocolate and haagen dazs ice-cream. Yumm... but if I indulge, I would have to convert those indulgence to how much more workouts I have to do to make up for the extra cals. Just thinking of the conversion, I think my indulgence have an extremely poor exchange rate. Hopefully it'll appreciate soon. =) I want molten chocolate and haagen dazs. I want! I want it now!!

Today means a little more to me than yesterday. That's because I handed up my last assignment of my first assignment batch. The second batch of assignments will be sometime mid of mext month. That'd be nice to get over with too. Because after that, it's finals, and when finals are done with, I have only one short sem and one long sem to live through. =) Yipeee dodeee!!!!

Oklar...have to pull some weight.....not at the gym....but in my studies. =P Stupid books!

All in a day's cooking

Finally I have a day off from classes on a weekday, so I decided to volunter to cook for dinner.

The day kicked off with 'marketing' (a.k.a grocery shopping) and breakfast with mum. After that I had to prep the ingredients that I'd be using later for dinner. Then it's a 30 minutes break before I headed out to Giant supermarket. Reason for that: The 3 cartons of milk which dad bought from Giant 2 days back had turned bad, so I had to returned them. I was disappointed by their service. First, the lady who attended to me ask me rudely if I was sure the milk was bad (I'm thinking, do you need me to actually get sick from it for you to believe that it's bad, and if so, will Giant pay for my medical bills?). As I went to Giant for the sole purpose of changing bad milk, I don't see any reason why I have to pay for the parking charge (Giant has a parking policy of purchases above RM 25 are entitled for free parking). The lady insisted that Giant shouldn't have to pay for the parking too. If she was more pleasant, I may consider the fact that it's only a RM 1 charge and let the issue rest, but her whole attitude has set me off on my nasty side. So I spoke my mind out to her. When she and another male attendant responded 'you cakap dengan kita pun tak guna. Management suruh kita macam tu la.' (no point you tell us, we;re just doing as instructed by management); so I said, 'Kalau macam too, you punya management kat mana. Bia I cakap dengan manager. Tak-kan sini tak de manager sekarang.' (If so, then where's your manager? Let me speak to your manager. Don't tell me you don't have a manager here now.) And my response was greated with silence and side-wards glances from those attendants. I was kept waiting for half and hour for my refund voucher. I would not be back at Giant for my groceries anymore. After all, Tesco's nearer. My loyalty to Giant has been a great disappointment.

From Giant, the next destination was to Airellis in Tmn Danau Desa. Hong did my first facial for the year. It was great. Though I could see through the gimmick of their vouchers, I reckon her expertise was worth all I paid. It's was about a 2 and 1/2 hour treatment. She does extractions really well too. Not as good as Vince in Sothy's, but really good by my standards. I even took on a package! Yeap.....it's lots of money for me, but I really need a facial rescue. It's good that I found a esthetician to stick with for at least the rest of the year. Maybe next year too!

Next I have to rush back home through peak hour traffic to cook dinner. This is where it gets interesting. For the first time ever, set our kitchen on fire. Yes f-i-r-e!!! I was attempting to deep fry some fish slices. After heating up a pot of oil, I changed my mind about deep-frying, so I turned off the gas stove. Once I turned it off, the oil in the pot (/pan) caught fire. Don't ask me why it caught fire, it just did. Mum says its prolly cause the oil was too hot and the fire was too high. Anyways, after the oil caught fire, I thought perhaps I should bring the pot of fire to the sink and use the tap water to put it out. Once water hit the oil, the oil rose and so did the fire, and the kitchen's lace curtains caught fire. I ran to the nearby toilet to get a pail of water and along the way I called out to my younger bro who was watching TV. He ran to the kichen and held the fire down with a metal basin, jus as I arrived with a quarter pail of water. Well, everyone (me and Josh) were safe and unharmed, but the curtains had to go. Too bad. Dinner still went on. All was well. Interesting leh..

Anyhow, the day came and left without me working on my assignment. (oh dear...)

last minute episodes

Of late, I've always thought that I'm Queen-of-Last-Minute work. These days, when studies have been such a drag, I've always put off my assignments and revisions till the last 2/3 days or when it comes to exams, maybe 4 or 5 days before the paper. I've always thought that was last minute. Today I fully understood the extend of last minute... I don't think I would want to get that close to a dateline anymore. *blek*

10 September 2007
In my last entry, I mentioned about looking forward to the weekend. Looking forward to see Elaine. Looking forward to say the apology I owe. Looking forward to the shopping and the movies. All the expectations. I was so excited. And here's the story of my weekend. I wake up still excited (and perhaps more so) especially since the night before Elaine and I msn-ed talking about our plans for the next day. Come 11.30am, having grabbed all that I deemed necessary (tissue, more tissue, money and the blah) I made a dash for my car. Once out of my suburb I'm greeted with bad traffic. Yes, bad-bad-terrible traffic. Well, nothing like the Merdeka Day rehearsal traffic, but definately a close second. inching my way towards Jln Loke Yew, I'm thinking 'I'm so gonna be late, I hope I don't keep her waiting and miss the movie'. Midway towards Jln Loke Yew, I texted Elaine to tell her that I'm stuck in a jam. Her reply drew a sigh from me. Well, not just a sigh. So much more. After some back and forth sms-ing and a call by me, its clear that Elaine won't be able to make it to meet me. *so last minute, and only after I'm stuck in a lousy jam* The first thing to hit me was frustration, then anger, then more frustration. 2 minutes later, I think it's fine. I try to emphatize. Trying to understand her getting stuck at work. before I reached home, I was fine. In fact I was reminding myself to sms her to wish her a safe journey for her holidays (which I forgot). Hmmm....

This reminds me (for reasons I don't know why), a few days back I walked to a nearby stationary shop to buy some....obviously stationaries la. I bought a black pen, highlighter and a blue pen. I refused a plastic bag. I held all three pens together with both hands, wallet in my pocket. I walked towards Chong Heng and without realising it, I started to hum. I was looking at the pens in my hands and I hummed. I hummed a tune of no song in particular. I hummed for about 5 steps, and I stopped, suddenly realizing what I was doing. I can't believe I was humming so pleasantly to myself for 3 pens that I've just bought for less than RM 5. As if humming wasn't silly enough, I swapped to smilling to myself. Oh well...the pens were great after all. Hahaa..

Oh, by the way, I had a great time at Tesco with Yee Von. =) Hahaa..we had good fun. Nice!

Assignments..Assignments!

These days I've been bogged down by heaps of assignments. Well, not really heaps, just four, still it's more than a handfull for me. I'm relieved that I've just handed up one today. I'm really looking forward to the semester break that is coming right up after the assignments. =) Thank God for Ms Priya, she postphoned the law of employment assignment to next monday. If she hadn't, I would have to complete all 4 assignments by this week. At least now, I get an extra weekend to work on it.

Speaking of the weekend, I'm really looking forward to it. Not only because it marks the near-end of my assignment, but also because I'll be meeting up wth Elaine on Saturday! I haven't got a chance to really go out with her since coming back from Adelaide. We managed to meet up for supper at her house once, but that was about it, and it was really brief too, as I was tired from work. =P Now, we get to go out!

My excitement is also partly due to the fact that I haven't been out leisure shopping since coming back from Adelaide. I've just whisked up into heavy work schedules and 5-day classes a week, now, it's the assignments. I've been so out of touch with my friends. Elaine is one of them, I have also put off meeting up with Shere, and I'm suppose to meet with Irene too. =P I've been putting off my friends too much! =P I feel deprived too. Good thing Adele lives across the street, if not I would not be seeing any of my non-college friends. I've managed to slip in an hour every few days to pop by and 'kacau' Adele. She's always been a welcoming host. =) Nice company she is. Even better a friend. =) I'm blest!

Sometime last week I said some stuffs to Elaine that have left me feeling quite uneasy. Maybe it's because of the accumulated stress of the past weeks, maybe I'm just mean, but whatever it is, I've said some rather blunt and harsh comments to her. Over the last few weeks, Elaine like me was loaded with work. She probably had it worst. Working for EY at a client's office in Berjaya Times Square, she had to work weekends and often up to wee-hours of the night, like 2-4am. She must be pretty drained and tired from it all. And because we were both tired lasses, we weren't really free to 'layan' each other. So when she chatted with me on MSN last week, I told her off on how she has shoved me to the back seat by not replying my smses and all. She tried to justify it by her hectic work schedules, and me being me, I argued that this not replying of smses was not just these few weeks, but have been increasingly frequent of late. She apologized....and I felt bad. Last Saturday she smsed me asking if I'd like to meet up with her, I felt so much like telling her I'm so sorry, but I think I should say that in person. I don't know why I snapped, I guess I was just in one of those limbo moments. I mean, she's probably struggling to find time for herself and for basic things like sleep, and amidst it all, I pressure her to make time for me. Aiks, I'm bad. Very bad-bad girl. =(

Oklar...I've still got an assignment to work on. =P That's all for now. Hopefully by the next entry I would have said the apology that I owe to Elaine. =P

weekend @ Melaka

Last Friday, I invited myself to join Adeline on her trip to her home in Melaka for the weekend. Turns out, I had a great time. First we rushed to bus station in Puduraya thinking that we might be too late for our 8pm bus. We arrived at the Transnational counter at 7.55pm, and much to our relieve, the bus that was suppose to take us to Melaka has not yet arrived in KL. So we began our wait for our bus. First, we were relieved that we did not miss the bus; next, we got tired from waiting; then, we got a little frustrated (mainly me) as I was almost 9.30pm when the bus was suppose to leave at 8pm. Just then, it was announced that our bus is finally in the terminal and ready to leave! We're up and gone in less than 10 minutes.

In the past month or so, there has been at least 2 fatal accidents involving inter-state busses. As a preventive measure, JPJ (the road and transportation department) set up stops at inter-state tolls to check on the bus permits, and bus driver's licence and ID, as well as to look around the bus for anything fishy. I guess these stops may be the reason for the bus delays. I guess these preventive measures are good for the time being, but like dad says, the Malaysian government are good at putting out fires and not preventing them. Basically, in this instance, dad meant that these inter-state check points are just temporary measures to handle the attention given to the recent bus accidents, but it's unlikely these check points will maintain, and when it's taken off, it's likely that things will just go back to how it was until similar accidents happen again, and the cycle repeats. I guess dad's right.

That aside....

I lurve Melaka! I lurve the historical character of the buildings, the multitude of small, private traders, the character some of the unrestored buildings, the water smell of the river that goes through the Melaka town, the simplicity in people and lfestyle. The only thing I don't like, lousy and uncourteous drivers. KL drivers are so much better and more considerate.

I suppose I have a penchant for small towns. I don't fancy metropolitan cities like KL all that much. There's no fun in having giants like Tesco all over, over-riding the small local traders. Sure it's nice being able to get all your choices in grocery brands at significantly discounted prices, but I guess it's not 'fun'.

The best part about this trip was the company I had. Adeline played host during my stay. She has this quaint little attic room which I shared with. It's really cute with short lilac coloured curtains sewn by her mum (who's a good cook and extremely outstanding in her sewing). As an attic room, it had those slanted ceiling that takes after the shape of the roof. That wasn't all, the room had wooden plank floorings, and I can't help not liking the whole 'raw' wood feel of the floor boards. The wooden planks have slight uneven surfaces and gaps that fully embodies the character of the wood, me likes it so much. The best touch to it all, was all the soft furnishings made by her mum- from the patch-work blanket to the curtains, it was so pretty.

The whole weekend was taken on a slow stride. The main 'touristy' thing planned was the night market on Jonker Walk on Saturday. It was really nice. I bought so much stuffs! I enjoyed it even more as I got these stuffs at great prices! It's a night market after all. Me likes it lots.

I'll definately be back again!

L.O.V.E. L.O.V.E.D L.O.V.E.S

I AM SO BLEST!

Ever since my wisdom tooth operation, I've been showered with so much love. Such abundance of it. =) "I'm up in the clouds"

Before and after the operation, I was put on a prescription of antibiotics. This antibiotics were different than those I use to take. I suppose I am allergic to them, because after the operation, I've been throwing up shortly after eating, or even consuming milk. I threw up more liquid than what I consumed. I thought it was just a brief after effect of the operation. However, Terence drew the similarity of this incident, to my kindy days where I was also on some kind of medication that caused me to throw up incessantly. So we drew the conclusion that it's the antibiotics. But as I have only a few more days left to complete my round of antibiotics, I think I'll just put myself through it. After all, I've mastered the way of keeping my food in. The gagging is still there after I eat, and it's really uncomfortable trying to keep food in when it wants to come out. =P I'm on a soft diet now. Colleagues at work think I'm on a healthy diet. Thanks to Sarah's suggestion, I am now having low fat fruit yogurt with oats for almost every meal.

Yesterday, I was scheduled for work. Considering that I've recovered quite a bit, I assumed that I would be fit for work. But people at home, like my parents and my aunt, seemed more worried than I am, each pestering me to take the day off. Eventually I resorted to working, but for lesser hours. I reckon I was fit for work, but for the sake of my family, I shall not put them through the worry.

My younger brother, Joshua made honey for me to drink. My parents called during work. My mum hand-squeezed orange juice for me in the morning. My mum and aunt checking on my meals everyday since. I'm so loved. Terence is keeping me in prayer and checking on me too. Even the clinic (though probably out of duty) has called to check that I'm coping well from the operation. I feel so spoilt! And most of all thank God for all these people, as well as a pretty smooth and comfortable recovery. I've been off pain killers since the first night. But my first night was the cause for everyone's worry. I was not only throwing up, I was apparently 'green' in the face, and personally, I felt ratehr faint. But thank God it's all over. My colleagues have also been very considerate yesterday.

I AM SO BLEST!

ouch-ouch-ouch!!!

I'm in pain. How uncomfortable. =(

It's not unbearable pain but still pain, pain, so pain. =(

Well, the cause of the pain- I've just extracted my wisdom tooth about an hour back and I think the anesthetic is starting to wear off. =( I've just popped in a pain killer. I hope it works faster. =(

I'm happy I finally got that tooth out. It's been due for awhile now. I was suppose to get it out since December last year. I finally got the courage to do it today. =P I can't believe I actually got myself there and sat throughout the whole thing. Just before he started, I've actually seriously contemplated cancelling the whole thing. =P

Relieved its out now.

Why hasn't the pain killer kicked in??? =(

I've been changing the gauze for the last hour and I can still taste the blood. =P

I wish I could just cry, but somehow this doesn't seem to be enough to reduce me to tears. But it'll be good if I could just cry out all the discomfort and PAIN!!

=(

Having said all that, I have to say that considering the circumstances, the doc was really good. =)

Blest. Amused. A story from India.

Things between me and mum has somehow resolved. It just went away without much mention. Feels a bit odd, yet somewhat relieving. It's nice to have mum back as mum. I was just about to prep myself to head out for some breakfast, but when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I see 2 buns on the table. =) Mum is good. Of the 2 buns, one is my favourite- durian paste. =) Yummm....mum feeds me well.

I feel so blest. I'm surrounded by so many people who love and care for me. I know I have mentioned this quite a few times in my blog before, but I have to keep saying it, "I am so blest!!", because I am. Life is good. I have dear friends who care. I have a family who loves and keep loving. I have colleagues who would drive me to my car on work days, even after they had a long-long day before. I have a manager who tries to make work comfortable for me. I have a boyfriend who is such a darling to me, who would still tell me he loves me when I'm being difficult. What else can I ask for? I am so blest.

Speaking of boyfriend, something really odd has been circling the gym in my absence and has surfaced of late. Well, it's not as complex as I make it sound. =) It's just that the first day I returned to work, Tjun asked me "hey, when are you getting married?" I totally wan't expecting that type of 'greeting', so I responded with a simple "huh?" I didn't expect that this question would repeat itself again from various other people in the days to come. Why is it that my colleagues seem to think I'm getting married like really soon, or already have? One was so convinced that I'm at least engaged, that even after I denied it she said "maybe you already engage but you dun wanna tell us". Argh....guys!! I'm not engaged!!! Where on earth did this started from?? The wonders of gossip. It doesn't really bother though. In fact, I think it amuses me more than anything else. When you're stuck in a routined job for so long, silly stories like that just make it that little bit more interesting. =) Life is still good.

Yesterday a lecturer of mine (who is an indian national), was telling us about an incident during her stay in India. Some of you would know how indians believe in reincarnation, and how if you're bad during this life, you would be reincarnated into a lowly being in your next life. Well, what happened is she was waiting for the bus at a bus stop, and there was a small boy nearby who was bullying a tiny frong with a stick. This boy held the frog and poked it incessantly. She couldn't help herself, so she told the boy to stop it. The boy continued. When she could take it no longer, she resorted to threat. She told the boy "if you continue to bully the frog, in the next life, you would be the frog and the frog would be a boy like you. Do you want to be poked like that?" The boy hesitated for a moment, looking at her. After a few seconds passed, he said to her "didn't you know, in the last life, I was the frog, and the frog was the boy?" Hahaaa.....I thought it was hilarious. How could a boy so small think of something like that!! Needless to say, my lecturer was left speechless, silently praying that the bus arrive soon. =)

brings back memories..

The last time I watched Vicki Zhao Wei in this movie get-up, was during the time when my grandma was still around.

Grandma was the one who introduced me to all these TVB series. She was as close and important to me as my mum is. I remember that when I started dating I seeked approval not just from mum, but from grandma too. She meant so much, she still does. She was an amiable woman. A role model for me in so many ways. She constantly radiated of God's love. She was a beauty even in her old age. Always a delight, always a comfort. The one thing she is more eager to do besides blessing others, was to forgive them. She had a heart 100 times bigger than mine. She embodied womanhood like none other I have ever met.

I am so proud of her and I really miss her.

a tiny hype over Jerry Yan

I can't resist not taking a fancy for a great smile. Even better if he or she has a delightful laugh. These people are such feel good 'vibes'. Jerry Yan is one of them. He has such nice chiselled jaw, dimples, and an angled smile that is outright cute.

Thoughts of Elaine-y are like tiny little....

Hahaa....ok, that was a tad bit too mushy. eekks... But here's a little virtual hug for a lady who tries hard to establish harmony between me and her boyfriend. =)

She's a sweet one. Awww.... (here's were the boyfriend gets jealous...hahaaa)

Here's to Adeline...

I hope everything works out for you. I know you've been loaded with lots at work and other issues. I'm on call 24/7 for you girl. =)

Boo has said it for me

I miss Terence so much. =)

Over the ocean comes a little...

to my very special someone, my closest and best-est friend.

Silly things at the gym

Last monday, a bunch of whom I assume to be Vietnamese students came to sign up at the gym. I've had Vietnamese friends in my class and they're pretty easy to understand. However, these boys, who look like 15 (and I think they're at least about 18), could not pronounce basic words in english. The only English that came out well was the would 'see', I suppose its because they would just have to say the aphabet 'c' to get it right. They had an an appointment with Raja (a colleague of mine), and he pronounced it as 'bla-zar', and it sounded all slured. The thing is there is also a colleague named Azhar, so I was wondering who these boys are looking for. Turns out my guess that it was Azhar was wrong. Even then, I have to give thumbs up to Raja for being able to close a sale which is almost impossible to understand. Then Hanim made a snappy comment, saying 'how do these people even study here? Language like that.' Hahaaa.... Hanim is pretty fun to work with. She doesn't just carry more than her weight at work, but she says simple things in sharp sacarsm it's hilarious.

Knowing that this is the last of the pack working week I have, it's really a relief. I'm not keen on going through this again. I'm glad that next week on I'll be working 2-3 days per week only. I no longer fancy work as much as I use to. =P But working with great company sure keeps me going. =)

trash the dress??

I was just browsing through clovetwo, a pullout from the star paper and I decided to check out their website at www.clovetwo.com

Here's some interesting stuff I found. At this other site http://trashthedress.wordpress.com/ they were writing and showing pictures of a supposedly "new" trend in wedding photography, whereby they trash their wedding outfits and fooled along the beach just for artistic wedding shots. Fancy that.

The rape of Nanking by Iris Chang

I have only just started on this book and already I'm so hooked. I grew up listening to stories about the cruelty of the Japanese during the World War, but never have I seen or read such gruesome detail of the torture or perhaps barbaric methods during those times. The writing style is excellent too. When I'm done with it I would tell you more.

For now, here's the author's website: http://www.irischang.net/

Reminiscing

This week started off on Sunday, with me boarding a plane and leaving my dear one behind. The days that followed were a blur of mostly work-work-work-classes. There wasn't much classes this week and I wished I had stayed in Adl8 for this week, but I know that the longer I stayed the harder it is to leave as well. =( In these days that passed as a blur, it was rather uncanny how my autopilot was so reliable.

Each day at work I feel exhausted and 'spaced-out' before I even start my hours. If this doesn't improve, I may seriously consider resigning this job, it would be the last straw for me to keep up the working. I use to love my work. I still do, it's just that, it's not the same anymore. Since the days of Anthony Tottman, things have just taken a slide. The employees count for less to the company. Incidences such as excluding part-timers from annual dinners and such has all added up to a very de-motivating work environment. I don't feel like I'm part of the company, hence I find no reason to devote so much effort here. The only reason I still do is so that others around me wouldn't have to pick up after my slack. I guess I might still stay with this. I'll take it as it goes...it might just be a phase I'm going through, with adapting to being back in KL and my hormones' gone berserk. Maybe, maybe...

I've finally reached Friday. It took me so long to get to this day. It's is finally my day off work! It still feels surreal that this time last week I was waiting to meet Terence in Borders, or were we at Cibos in Chinatown. Hmm...I'm all mixed up now. Anyways, I really miss him. It's sad that I won't be going over till next year, but I'm glad that next year, I'd be there for good!!! I've been waiting for that day for YEARS!!

Terence will be selling his Honda Civic 92 to Clyde tonight. I knew about this for awhile now, but when it occured to me that that trusty companion of a car is leaving our garage for good, I really miss it. Terence and I started dating when he was driving this car. We've argued in this car, laugh out in this car, I tried to learn to drive manual on this as well, and this car has brought me to and fro from the airport countless times. I really miss it. I wonder if Terence could keep the registration plate. Just one plate for my 'memoir'.

The days have been good...yes it's good...

back on the job and dwelling on other tots

It is still rather surreal to me that I've only just arrived in KL yesterday. It already feels like a week. Goodness, by the end of the week I don't want to feel like I aged a decade. The wait is long and grueling.

Yesterday, my dear 'good-est' friend Elaine and I made an entente, and that is we're both going to aim to get our goodself to the land of Aussie for good at the end of 10 months. More precisely, by the end of June 2008. We will wait the wait and say our goodbyes to our families at the same time. It may seem rather silly, but it's nice to know I have someone else on the journey. Sadly though, she's headed for Melbourne and I, as expected, to Adelaide.

I have so much to look forward to!! But always at the back of my mind, I have this discomfort knowing that my mum (whom I care and love heaps about) is not happy. I hope things will resolve SOON. It's just nudging me cause it matters so much. Yet I feel tongue and hand tied. It's something I've been praying about.

Speaking of looking forward, I just got off the phone with my dear Terence and guess what, we're now going to 'embark' on doing our quiet time!! I think it's such an exciting thing that we'll be moving on together in our spiritual lives. God has really been good. This is way more than what I deserve. =) Maybe it's Don and Ali praying for us. Oh well, thank God all the same!

Anyways, this entry was suppose to be about me getting back to my job at fitness first. Today is my first day on the job. Quite a few people have come and gone. Things seem a bit foreign but I think I'm getting back to the hang of things quite well. Most of the regular members greet me with surprise and pleasure. Most of them thought my MIA of 2 months meant I've left the company for good. Well, now I'm back!

Surprisingly I don't have much to say about my job. I guess it's just because it's a job, and after all, it's only one day. More shall unfold in the days to come. Ha!

Many of the staff here who knew of my frequent trips to Adelaide think of me as being so lucky and sometimes even exclaim in envy, and I know, I am blest. However, they never think of the many byes said. The byes that start not at the airport before departure, but days or weeks ahead. Sometimes, the byes even start from the first day of our meeting each other. These before-hand-byes are often not spoken, just felt in the heart. The silent dread that we're going to part. Hoping vainlessly that if we want time to stop badly enough, it actually would. It is fair that the staff only see the small little corner of my many trips and over look the bigger picture, after all no offence was taken, and their comments do remind me that I should be happy that at least I get the chance to be there. Every moment we have, short or upset it may be, it is all cherished.

Home is where the heart is

Yesterday afternoon I boarded flight MH138 out of Adelaide. My heart broke. I really don't want to leave. Having Chen and SS there with us (Terence and I) was a great support. It gave us good reason to hold up and not break down. =) Good friends.

The whole goodbye thing was saddest when I didn't get to say goodbye to Terence at the departure hall, as I was held up at customs for quite awhile. =P

Seating in my seat and waiting for take off was painful too. I was "screaming" inside to let me get off the flight. I didn't want to be there and I didn't want to go to KL. I dreaded KL more than usual this time round as I know my mum is in her moods again. I didn't want to face the music. Especially not when I'm all heartbroken.

The flight was quite pleasant and the food was a vast improvement, so was the service. But I was in no shape to fully appreciate it all. I tuned in to watch Shrek 3, Spiderman 3 and Just for Laughs. I am still heartbroken.

We reached KL 40 minutes ahead of schedule. In a way I guess it's a good thing, but as my dad wasn't expecting me so early, I was made to wait. Waiting in my current mood is fine by me, I'm in no hurry to get back and see mum.

As I waited for my privilaged-ride, I thought to myself "I'll be going back to ..." I wasn't sure I wanted to call it a home. It was more like a house to me. So I place the word 'family' in the blank, but I couldn't call it a home. My home is elsewhere now. Where I can freely be myself and not be judged for it. And now, in KL, I am trully homesick.

Its this void feeling that can't be chuck under the carpet of denial. The black hole. I hold myself back from falling into it, but I know it's there. For now and the next few days, I'll be running on "auto-pilot". I am empty inside. But silently I thank God that He has bond Terence and I so tightly.

Home is where the heart is.

the warm cuddly feeling called...

Prep-ing for the new sem

Semester was suppose to start for me this week. But I've opt to skip the first week and spend my time in Adelaide instead. The only draw back for this is that when I get back on Monday, it'll be extremely hectic for me. I have classes back-to-back from 8am to 4pm. And after that I start work at about 6pm to 10 or 11pm. It's gonna be so hectic for me aiks aiks!

Now it's like counting down the days till I have to board the plane on Sunday. It's a bunch of mixed emotions for me. I'm not looking forward to my studies. But yet I wouldn't mind going back to KL, but hoping I could come back to Adl by the following month. Haiz... Maybe next time...

The time of the month is about to act up on me any time now. It'll throw me in a frenzy of emotions, and I'll be mashed into a wreck at the end of it. Well...not really, but still....quite close.

Add the thoughts and blend it to a puree

Yesterday night, Terence and I had the pleasure of having Chen and SS over for dinner. I cooked up a storm and we enjoyed it all. We even made a date to have a get together again this Sunday for lunch in Hahndorf. Nice nice...

I can't believe that next weekend is my last weekend here. I didn't even realize how the weeks have passed. =( Haiz...I'm going to go back to my studies soon. It's going to be sad, made worst by the knowledge that I don't have any more breaks to come by Adl8 until next year. =P I hope I adjust to being back in KL soon. There's so much other stuff that I still haven't got around to doing here in Adl8. Though a month here may sound like a long time, yet to me the time I have here that really counts to me, are so few. =P

Oh well, it's not all sad stuff. I've had times which I delight in, but they could always last that little bit longer. =) Nonetheless, I thank God for every memorable moment that I can reflect on. It always gives me a reason to smile and tell myself that I'll be ok in the toughest of times. I am blest!

Last few weeks at church. I've been seeing Jian Kai (Raymond and Ee Laine's baby boy). It's really amazing to see a new life brought to this world. He's so small and innocent. The palms of his hands so smooth, and I remember myself commenting to his parents that he has not done housework on those hands. Such a beautiful 'thing'. Such a nice addition.

I'll cherish each day and everyone around me on each of these days....

Life is good.. =)